I often question whether whatever strength I’ve built for myself (for example; self-sufficiency) and the overall life path I’m taking is real, right, and true. For example, I like to think of myself as self-sufficient, but if the grid were to go down, I would certainly not be self-sufficient.

I periodically feel lost, weak, and afraid and I detest these feelings. For the past 5 years I’ve been trying to orient my life in order to get rid of these feelings and become strong. Even though on the surface my life improves, these feelings never really go away – in a way, they become more painful when they occur.

I especially experience feelings of being lost, weak, and afraid when confronting my reality with someone else’s. When meeting someone new that I somewhat open up myself, let my guard down, and speak to honestly (which doesn’t happen often) I often leave the conversation feeling like I’m dumb, like I’m missing out, like I’m wasting my life, and like I’ve been robbed of something and have gotten nothing valuable in return. Robbed of my comfort of the lie I’ve created of having my life together. My life is not together. Life is so fragile. Today I’m fine, and tomorrow anything could happen that would send me into a chaotic hell.

I think at the core, I’m very afraid – even though on my day to day life I don’t think of myself as being afraid and just go to work, complete my tasks, routines, etc. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of. Maybe I’m afraid of everything. I think I’m in a perpetual state of subverted expectations and whatever fulfillment and purpose I try to band-aid into my life, is just a band-aid that doesn’t truly deal with the emptiness and unfulfilled search for real meaning.

Thanks for your help. I hope I can find something to alleviate this torment.