Dear Diary,

In January, Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because next we immediately almost went to war with Iran. We might actually still be almost at war with Iran, nobody knows because Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards show and everyone flipped out, and then Prince Harry and Megan peaced out of the Royal family, and for like half of an afternoon we had an impeachment trial, plus Kobe died and the UK noped out of the European Union.

In February, Iowa crapped itself with the caucus results and the President gave a speech but the Speaker of the House took ten years to theatrically rip up said speech, which is the most meaningful action that has come out of Congress so far this year. WHO announced COVID-19, which confused some really important people in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it. It turned out Harvey Weinstein was a total creep, and Americans started asking if Corona beer was safe to drink, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor who just knew the flu like killed way more people than COVID-19.

In March, s**t hit the fan. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Democrats were Bernie or bust. Italy shut down, and then COVID officially became a pandemic and a nationwide state of emergency was declared in US, so WTF became WFH. The government saw the economy was collapsing and decided to borrow eleventy trillion dollars to give to everyone so they wouldn't notice they were unemployed, and Congress was like hey don't you worry about how this will get paid back, we sure aren't. But then it turned out like 99.9% of the bailout money actually went to billionaires and Congress was like Oops sorry my bad LOL! Tom Hanks got COVID-19. The country shut down, but then we were all introduced to Tiger King and became very glad we'd never pissed off Carole Baskin, and Netflix was like you’re welcome, and then we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands or cleaning counters or doorknobs or Amazon packages enough.

In April, Bernie finally busted, and then NYC announced it was Covid Ground Zero, but half of America said no that was all just a conspiracy because Jeffrey Epstein, or something. No one had face masks, hand sanitizer, bleach, or toilet paper, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life… or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released videos of UFOs, and it’s only April. I guess we'll just stay home and chill and watch sports for a while but oops, no sports. No baseball. No NBA. I heard a rumor that amateur solo ice skating quarterfinals are on TV later so I have my fingers crossed.

In May, the biblical end times kicked off with apocalyptic locust swarms and murder hornets. People patriotically rebelled against lockdown measures and exercised their constitutional right to make themselves and everyone around them sick af. Then George Floyd died and people all over America showed their deep respect and honor for his memory by rioting and breaking things. There was chaos in every major city, and apparently everybody in the riots hadn't heard about COVID or the masks or social distancing. The media couldn't figure out how to focus on two things at once and pined for the simpler, easier times of 2019 when all they had to worry about was Russian collusion, Robert Mueller, government shutdowns, Supreme Court justice's activities in high school, and impeachment. Then a dead whale was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest and monkeys stole COVID from a lab and ran off with it, and either in May or April (no one was keeping track anymore at that point,) a giant asteroid narrowly missed earth.

In June, science and common sense just got thrown straight out the window and somehow wearing masks became political, but then people discovered that the solution to police brutality in Minneapolis in 2020 was to tear down 19th century statues in Alabama and to turn a part of Seattle into Somalia. It turns out that although nobody had ever noticed those statues until now, they had been diabolically microaggressing into safe spaces since 1865. The President got really riled up about this, but then historians did some research and discovered that the south actually lost the civil war and had just been doing the 19th century equivalent of stealing and shitposting someone else's memes all along. The President then marched into a church and aggressively held a bible, which to be fair is probably the entirety of his understanding of Christianity, he was probably expecting the seas to part or to ascend directly into Heaven so we'll give him credit for trying. Eventually though people then sort of remembered there was a pandemic although they still weren't sure about the masks, but scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT. Then it was announced that a strange radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe repeats itself every so many days, and everyone was like DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT, but then America reopened from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, so who knows what the scientists have been up to while we weren't paying attention, maybe the undiscovered mass has replaced them all with pod people by this point. Meanwhile everyone is still on Facebook arguing that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works. The US was like hold my beer and let me show you how we’re number one in all things, including COVID-19. Trump decided that since we're in a pandemic now it's finally time to get around to asking the Supreme Court to shut down Obama Care, and a massive dust cloud came straight at us from the Sahara Desert. Also, Congo announced the worst ever Ebola outbreak is coming under control, and we were all like, lol wut, there was an ebola outbreak that was the worst ever??

We are halfway through 2020. Welcome to July.