A few years ago I started getting red pilled on my own. I realised a lot of things from self-introspection about reality. Didn't take till a year later to find the so called red pill on the internet. For the most part it confirmed most things I knew already but gave me some new ideas.

But ever since then I have just been lost. Before red pilling myself, I chased vanity, I chased what people call "success". My biggest motivator in life was just to be rich and people would respect me. My biggest fear was being where I am now, doing nothing.

And that did drive me, I worked hard, studied hard and enjoyed it at the same time.

But now, but now I don't really give a shit about how I look. I don't seek to get external validation from others, or to be successful. I still care about making your own goals and being successful in your self-direction. But not societal success.

And since then. I've not have much passion for life. I don't really give a shit about anything. And this is what I hate.

Sometimes I think about my old bluepill self, or religious fanatics. These people have their ideologies so far up their ass that it mentally drives and motivates them, makes them passionate about something, and they don't bother or too absorbed to pick apart their beliefs. I wish I had something like that. But now, I've mentally deconstructed everything, picking apart passion into logical values, it all just saps the colour from life.

I get the standard "just get a hobby" response, but I feel this stuff is much deeper than a hobby can fix.

Even then, I do have my own hobbies, I do have my own goals. I work hard on these goals each day. And I am still damn lost.