I am getting closer to 40.

I have always had this issue with showing my sexuality.

Admitting to myself, that I am attracted to a certain woman.

I do this whenever I think about it, to unlearn this.

Now I think I should suppress it when around women who are 20yo.

I realize how I am rejecting myself, not allowing myself to be a sexual being, because I am too old now and young women are out of reach.

Now, some older guys say this was wrong, but when I feel rejected by younger women, I am reassured in my mind that it might be true.

I rarely approach women who are younger and if I do I feel like everyone is looking at me in disgust.

And of course, just how women are, they feel my uneasiness.

And become uneasy.

Based on how women treated me in the past I got the impression that I was disgusting somehow.

That something about me was wrong.

Why do I write this now?

Because I saw this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJ6I3oBFpQ8, especially at 1:41 - 1:49.

That is such pure, non-artifical, non-trained joy.

Now I think: if I was there, I would want her to by no means stop being like that.

I don't know how to not spoil people having pure joy.

I don't know in those moments, should I smile, be serious, what does a girl like that need in that moment to continue enjoying herself?

But I view myself as disgusting, because I am not reassured that I am not. Especially not by 20yo women. Not to mention younger men.

To some I seem to be an intense person, people get triggered by me just being at places without me opening my mouth.

I don't know what to do about that.