I have everything I need to succeed. I know the method, I even tried my methods and they work. But every single time I feel some semblance of actual happiness, my brain immediately pulls it all down and urges me to go right back to binging youtube garbage.

Every time I realise that I'm actually enjoying exercising, or studying and learning, boom, brain panics and goes right back to youtube for 12 hours. Every time I step on a weighing scale and it says that I lost a couple of kilos, my brain immediately makes me tired and sleepy all day and I have these intense cravings to eat greasy fried food which honestly I don't even like the taste of, and it makes me feel like garbage after eating it.

I've pinpointed the fact that this is due to my deeply ingrained idea that I'm a loser. I've been bullied all through high school, no friends, obese (despite at least 50 attempts to lose weight since age 13, I'm 20 now). I've managed to resist my thoughts and get into medical school somehow, and also learn how to play the guitar and ukulele quite proficiently, but my brain doesn't let me take a W and I have these nagging thoughts telling me that those achievements are due to luck and not due to my ability.

At this point, the idea of actually making myself into a winner and the thought that one day I could actually be a celebrated and accomplished man and not a neglected nerdy reject, scares me to the point where I don't even try.

It's almost as if I'm scared of being a winner. How do I change this?