Most of us here, I'm sure, are dissatisfied with the situation. So I devised a list of 60 things you and those who care about the men and boys in their life can do to solve this gap. Here goes:
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Recognize that the perception of pain and suffering differs towards the sexes. We perceive a male going through the same situation as a female as suffering less from the treatment, even in those cases where the real-world discrepancies signal the opposite. Recognize that the empathy gap exists and is a significant issue for men and boys.
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Recognize that we are more likely to believe women who accuse men of harming them than the reverse, even when this is not the case.
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Recognize that the primary source of male pain is male disposability. Raise your voice if you see a man or boy, or a group of men and boys, being regarded or treated as disposable. Make it plain that males are not any more disposable than females.
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Be conscious of this empathy gap when making decisions about males and females and try to empathize with men and boys in your daily life.
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Stop assuming that men are less capable of being victims or suffering than women. When you hear about males being harmed, remind yourself that there is an empathy gap.
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If you know anyone abusive toward men or boys, tell them it's unacceptable to hurt men and boys!
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If you are a parent, teach your sons that it's okay for them to cry and express negative emotions and make sure your partner does the same. Contemplate whether you or they can do more to ensure that they know it's okay to express their feelings when they're hurt, sad, scared, worried, or angry. Yes, anger is a valid response to some situations!
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If you are a parent, do not teach your sons to never hit a girl or woman. This makes it seem like they deserve special consideration merely for being girls. Instead, teach him to hit neither boys nor girls. Teach your daughters to expect getting hit back if they hit a boy. Tell your son that he can defend himself with reasonable force if he is ever hurt, no matter if his attacker was a boy/man or a girl/woman. Boys/men and girls/women are equals!
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If you know anyone who claims that "no woman would ever do...", ask them why they believe that and see if you can get them to explain their reasoning logically.
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When a boy or man is harmed, seek media coverage, reach out to friends, talk to family members. Make sure that you and others are exposed to more stories about male victims of violence to make the problem more visible in your life and to increase the number of people who can empathize with them.
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If you notice harmful stereotypes about men or boys being reinforced or perpetuated, speak up! Point it out to other people and tell them why it's wrong! Remind them of male victims of violence (e.g., male victims of sexual assault) and female perpetrators of violence (e.g., female perpetrators of child abuse).
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If you are in a position where others look to you for guidance or advice on these issues, do not be afraid of discussing men's issues or challenging sexist assumptions.
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When someone negatively stereotypes boys or men (e.g., "violent", "dirty", "unruly", "they mistreat girls or women", "he is a problem child", "men are pigs", "men are obsessed with sex", "men's sexuality is animalistic and simplistic and not driven by true affection as it is for women", "men only want one thing"), challenge it! Explain why this is wrong and that men are fully human beings, too!
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Donate money/time to organizations that help boys and men.
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Write about male victims of violence in a way that makes the people around you aware of the empathy gap. Always mention the empathy gap as an explanation when you see men being mistreated because of their gender so people can understand where this bias comes from. Make sure people know why this is wrong and make them understand that they have to make a conscious effort to fight against this bias!
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Ensure that your children, particularly your sons, are aware of the empathy gap. Make absolutely sure they understand how to advocate for themselves. They must realize that it is acceptable to express their emotions, especially when hurt or scared, and know they are just as valuable as their female counterparts. Make your daughters aware of their responsibilities, encourage them to be compassionate, and extend empathy toward men and boys.
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Please don't believe that men are inherently/usually violent or abusive just because you've seen some in your life who are!
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Recognize that a male victim is less likely to elicit an empathic response than a female victim.
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If you know any men who are depressed or contemplating suicide, let them know that people care about them and want them around. Make sure they understand they're not being a bother. If they're depressed because they're being abused by their partners, tell them it's not their fault!
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Realize that male sexuality is natural and that heterosexual and bisexual men are biologically programmed to find looking at attractive women pleasurable. Call others out when they refer to men as "creeps" and similar terms for a perfectly natural and healthy biological desire. Recognize that the demonization of male sexuality creates deep feelings of shame and is harmful to men's and boys' well-being. While there is a line which when overstepped constitutes harassment (regardless of the genders involved and the direction of the harassment), realize that there is nothing wrong or dirty with politely expressing one's desire for a woman or privately enjoying sexual depictions of women (within legal boundaries). Consider the male perspective before you call out the objectification of women, and realize that this desire is natural, healthy, and innocent.
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Recognize the double standard for the sexual objectification of men/women. While it is seen as acceptable to sexually and romantically objectify men, the same is viewed as creepy when it is done towards women.
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If you are a scientific researcher, please consider researching and publishing about the empathy gap against men.
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If you are a scientific researcher and have already researched this topic, please share your results with the public, e.g., by writing to the mainstream media and participating in interviews.
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If you are a journalist, consider asking your readers in a survey how much they agree with the statements "I feel more empathy for women than men" and "I feel more empathy for men than women."
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If you are a politician, please consider working on policies that make it easier for male victims to report their suffering.
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If you are a politician, please consider working on policies that make convicting female perpetrators of their crimes easier.
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If you are an activist for women's issues, please consider engaging in gender-neutral activism.
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If you are a teacher, please consider teaching about male victims of violence and female perpetrators of violence in your class.
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If you are a teacher, please consider teaching about the empathy gap towards males in your class. Ask your students why they think it is morally right to do something about this, e.g., by writing an essay or discussing the issue in your class.
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If you are a teacher, please pay extra attention to the more awkward boys in your class who may not fit in. Be empathetic towards the "class clown", the kid who struggles to pay attention, and the kid who can't seem to keep his notes orderly. Also, consider that some boys might have abusive parents.
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If you are a teacher, realize that there is a well-documented grading bias against boys, even for the exact same work. Therefore, try to grade your work in as unbiased a fashion as possible and make sure other teachers are aware of this bias. Also, try to be conscious that we perceive boys who do badly more readily as lazy than their female counterparts.
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If you are a religious leader, please consider talking about male victims of domestic violence more often in your sermons and other public statements you make.
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If you are an employer, please consider making your workplace safer for men who have been abused by women (e.g., domestic violence).
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If you are a doctor and see signs of domestic abuse, make sure to let your male patients know that they are safe with you and encourage them to tell their stories and document them. Then, if available, redirect them to appropriate services.
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If you are a doctor, make sure to take extra care with your male patients and reassure them when they share their physical and mental health problems with you. Make sure they know that they are not a burden for sharing their concerns.
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If you are a counselor, therapist, or in a similar position and talking to a male client, regularly remind yourself of the empathy gap and imagine how you would respond to a female client in the same circumstance.
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If you know men or boys who have been abused by their parents or caregivers (male or female), make sure they know it is okay to talk about it if they're feeling hurt, sad, scared, worried, or angry about it, even if those feelings come out years later.
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If you know any boys being bullied at school, let them know that they are loved and wanted and that people care and want them around. Remind them that bullying is unacceptable and that they can count on you to see this through.
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If you are a parent, convince teachers to include lessons on the empathy gap and male victims and female perpetrators of violence in their curricula.
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If you are a lawmaker, please consider developing policies to help male victims and female perpetrators of intimate partner violence such as:
- Shelters for male victims (because many shelters do allow girls but not boys)
- Shelters that allow men to bring their children
- Support services tailored to male victims of domestic and sexual abuse
- Government-funded crisis hotlines staffed by people who can speak to male victims and female perpetrators in their native language
- Government-funded education programs on the issue of intimate partner violence that include information about male victims and female perpetrators
- Police training on how to deal with male victims of domestic violence
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If you are a lawmaker, please consider working on laws that make it easier for female perpetrators of intimate partner violence to be convicted for their crimes.
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If you are a lawmaker, understand that men are easier to be stereotyped as perpetrators and thus get longer sentences for the exact same crime. Advocate for procedures to ensure that sentencing is fair and without bias.
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If you know any girls or women abusing their partners, tell them that it is not okay to abuse their partner! If a boy or man defends himself from a woman with reasonable force, let him know he did nothing wrong and that his safety has priority!
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If any of these issues affect men in your life, try to ensure they know it is okay to talk about their feelings when they're hurt, sad, scared, worried, or angry about it, even if those feelings come out years later.
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There are at least as many male victims and many female perpetrators as there are female victims and male perpetrators. On average, men show increased violence towards strangers and same-sex persons, which causes many people to erroneously assume that the same applies to intimate partner violence. This is wrong! Women specialize in intimate partner violence, and men are at least as much the victims. If you are an educator, please also make sure the information about domestic violence is not presented in a way that makes women look like victims and men look like villains when this is not the case. Understand that gender-neutral preventative programs are insufficient. Because gender-neutral expressions are viewed by program participants as referring to male perpetration, they must be explicitly directed to girls and women as well as boys and men.
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Understand that men and boys can also be victims of rape and sexual assault (especially at the hands of women). Research shows that this is a shockingly common occurrence. Stop making jokes, puns, and metaphors about prison rapes. Stop assuming he must have wanted it or that he is "lucky," especially if the perpetrator is a woman. Instead, take men and boys who raise their complaints seriously, and keep in mind that it will be more difficult for you to see the man or boy as a victim, especially if he was raped by a woman.
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If you are a lawmaker and the policies governing sexual abuse and rape are not gender-neutral, please use your influence to change that.
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Stop judging men more harshly than women when they fail to meet your expectations.
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If you are a lawmaker, please consider supporting policies that protect men from being falsely accused of rape and sexual assault, such as:
- Once a man is accused of rape or sexual assault, he should be presumed to be innocent until proven guilty.
- A person who falsely accuses another person of rape or sexual assault should be punished by gag orders to prohibit them from speaking about the alleged victim in public or online.
- A person who falsely accuses another person of rape or sexual assault should be held criminally and civilly liable and severely punished for their crimes.
- Once an accusation of rape or sexual assault has been determined as false, it should be disclosed on background checks done for employment or housing.
- Once a man accused of rape or sexual assault is cleared of all wrongdoings, the authorities should investigate him as a possible victim.
- Universities should be held accountable for how they handle rape and sexual assault accusations, and the alleged victim should be expelled if found guilty of lying about rape or sexual assault.
- Make it illegal to harm men's reputations with false allegations of rape or sexual assault online or offline.
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If you are a law enforcer (such as a police officer), consider how you treat male and female criminals and whether your judgment might be influenced by the perpetrator's or victim's gender.
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If you work for a news agency, ensure the information presented is free of biases and well researched and that it does not portray women as victims when, in comparison to men, they are not. Publish articles about the empathy gap and, when reporting on issues affecting men, explain why it is so hard for us to empathize with men and stress why we must make a conscious effort to change that.
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If you work for a news agency, do not use phrases such as "X people died, including Y women and children" when reporting fatal accidents. When exclusively men or boys died, highlight this.
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Please stop assuming that men don't care about their children or that they don't deserve custody of their children, even if you know cases of genuinely uncaring fathers.
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If you are a son or daughter, make sure to give your dad as much appreciation on father's day as you give your mothers on mother's day.
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If you are a researcher in AI or the ethics of AI, be aware of these inherent biases against men and boys and bring them to people's attention.
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Create your own hashtags on social media and tweet them, for example #EndTheEmpathyGap, #MisandryIsWrong, #MenFeelToo, #MaleGenderBlindness, #MaleDisposabilityIsWrong, #MasculinityIsNotADisease #MenAreHumanBeingsToo, #MenAreHuman, #MentalHealthForMenAndBoysToo, #MisandryIsReal, #SentencingEquality, #Empathy4All, #MenAreNotACollective, #MaleSuicideIsPreventable, #CareAboutOurBoysAndMen, #EqualHealthCare4All, #MenAndBoysDeserveTheRightToDefendThemselves, #EqualHomelessServices, #MaleRapeIsRape, #Empathy4Boys, #WomenWhoLoveMen, #Empathy4Men, #Time2HealMen4Real and create accounts to raise awareness of sexism against men, e.g. @including_women.
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If you have a male partner, son, brother, friend, etc., don't automatically assume that they don't need help with any problems they may be having, and if you do notice something troubling them that needs to be addressed, don't handle it by saying something like "man up." Don't try to help him by convincing him that he's wrong for thinking what he thinks or feeling what he feels; instead, ask him nonjudgmental questions until you get to the bottom of what's really bothering him so you can help him. Also, remind yourself that the empathy gap makes it harder for us to empathize with men, and keep this in mind while listening, especially if a woman is involved in the situation he describes and you notice a tendency in yourself to shelter the woman from blame.
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Be patient with yourself! It will take time to retrain yourself, but eventually, you will learn not to fall prey to the empathy gap toward males and begin empathizing with them as easily as you empathize with women.
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Share this post to make others aware of the existence of the empathy gap.
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Raise awareness of the empathy gap against men and boys by sharing other related articles and blogs and creating your own posts on the topic.
Last but not least, I would also like to let everyone know that July the 11th is Gender Empathy Gap Day. The origins are MANNdat, a German association founded in 2004 and based in Stuttgart which sees itself as an independent, non-partisan interest group for male citizens with the goal of eliminating legal disadvantages and public discrimination against men. Let's make this an international holiday in which we advocate for both men and women to stand up to this great injustice, talk to our family and friends about it, donate money and time, and think about what it means for our loved ones, the boys and men in our lives!
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