hey guys, first post on reddit, kinda got sick already
M25

I hate myself on almost a daily basis. Can't build a routine. Few days fly by and I find myself not eating, not showering, not doing anything that brings me joy, not doing sports, not doing the tasks at hand that I KNOW will give me at least some joy by the end of them, and results that will last for longer than 3 minutes.
The same loop of need for love, warmth and attention. Mostly attention from women is what i crave.
I can hold my social ground, I'm respected, I'm tall, I'm good looking, and even though i always fuck up with the sports and food, my basic physic is good. From an external point of view - i'm a manly man. But inside I feel hopeless, useless, a fuck up, no money, no skill at any jobs, no skill of taking a woman on a journey or what ever. Capable of shitting out great ideas, but incapable of sticking to them unless I happen to fall on a person that has the interest of pursuing that idea with me. Then I get the motivation to actually do something.
I'm the eldest of my brothers, and 3 weeks ago my bro (24) said that he always saw me as a big bro figure, even though I've started seeing him as an equal a few years ago. Got a few tears out now, not like i'm not used to it.
Was on drugs until 4 months ago for almost a year, got my last 3 bumps 2 months ago. Weed is like an anesthetic, which I mostly smoke at night. Actually it's a good thing, makes me go into the flow if i do music.
Porn is my safe place, my procrastination mechanism.

I Don't feel like I have friends, only blood sucking fuckers around me, all interested in gaining something. I try to use them for my own benefit, but they are better at the game, and I'm too flow going to even stand my ground.

No happy end here. Moved an apt with my brother a month ago. It felt great, moving things around, going for my "future" to "build it up" and on, but now I find myself once again dead inside, with 0 energy to work, to do tasks, to eat, to go to bed.
I love my job, I really do, great guys, great atmosphere, love riding on the road, love the social moments, I'm respected there.
Trying to flirt with girls, and If I'm in the mood I can even see the flick in their eyes, but I'm a pussy, don't forget that, i don' see myself taking her out on a date, forget about a normal hook up or even talking about my sexuality and really opening up, leaving with a feeling of a clown every time I try it. And I still keep trying.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I got tons of shit to do, and instead of doing it i'm jacking off or sitting here and writing this shit out, all while with the constant loop of "YO MAN GET YOUR ASS UP YOU'RE ALMOST FINISHED YOU'LL GET THE GAIN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS, CMOOOON" that only pushes me deeper into fear and anxiety.

I don't know who to talk to, psychology was a fucking set up for sucking money out of it. Didn't get into it for this topic, got stabbed 2 years ago and my brain went paranoid with no sleep for half a year. I overcame it by going deep into the dark side, learning from first perspective how shitty people can get, and gaining the needed connections to defend myself if something of this realm comes into my life again, but the psychology didn't help, both of em just reassured me that i understand myself very well and let me use them as crying pillows, just like mom used me, or like i use my "friends" nowadays.

I need to help myself, I want to start loving myself and respecting myself, I want to be loved, to be respected and to be talked to, not the one looking out for the interaction. fuck