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How to separate goals you set to share with someone after the relationship didn't work?

April 24, 2023

Last year I came out of a long emotional crisis, and began setting goals for myself. Goals related to what I want in life, the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of life I want to live.

During this year I also had a fwb, whom I began to fall in love with the last months. And it was a huge motivator for me to get better. I began picturing a relationship with this person, and tweaking my goals to fit in with her. I felt so excited and motivated to move forward, to pull myself together and to be able to get things I wanted to share with her.

I confessed how I felt and I was turned down. The fwb ended but we remain friends.

Now I can't feel these goals without feeling I'm doing them to prove her something. To show her that I'm valuable. I know it's a mind trap, I'm worthy enough as I am, and no matter what I accomplish she won't like me for other reasons. Hell, if she did I would be pissed tbh.

And yet I fall in the trap over and over. I can't help but to feel I'm doing this for her. To show her something. To prove that I'm lovable. In my clearer moments I know it's a good thing to share these things I want with someone I love. But I can't get her face out of that picture.

I see myself getting the things I want, and then smugly turning her down, even tho that's not what I want. It's not who I want to be. I loved her, accepted the defeat and wished her well. I don't want to do it out of spite or resentments. And as friends I would love to share some of it with her, just like any other friend.

I don't want her anymore, I got it, she is not for me and I let her move on. I just don't know how I move on. It's exhausting, some of these take a long of energy, and having that in top of it just makes them harder.

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Post Information
Title How to separate goals you set to share with someone after the relationship didn't work?
Author Affectionate-Sock-62
Upvotes 14
Comments 3
Date April 24, 2023 1:06 AM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
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[–]Frogbomb01 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

i don’t know either, i didn’t manage to do so successfully. My feelings only changed when i fell for someone else.

[–]Silent331 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You dont do it out of spite, you work to be attractive to the kind of person you want to attract. You can make her the kind of person you want to attract, its the most clear cut example you have. You are doing it all of the other version of her that you will spend the rest of your life with, or maybe even better.

Make a plan for your life and work backwards. How much do you want to retire with? How many kids do you want? What kind of house do you want? How much do you have to make to meet those goals? What kind of wife do you want? What kind of person do you have to be to attract that person?

[–]Disastrous-Star-7746 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You'll meet other people you feel the same about. But if you're still feeling like you haven't accomplished things for yourself you want, you may not be ready for that person.

You know the kind of person you wanna be, and you're the one responsible and accountable for it. If you're already being that person, you'll find more options for dating too.

You can also be unhappy that you didn't get with this person you developed feelings for. Just try and imagine them being proud of you as a friend and imagine being proud of yourself too.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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