Last year I came out of a long emotional crisis, and began setting goals for myself. Goals related to what I want in life, the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of life I want to live.
During this year I also had a fwb, whom I began to fall in love with the last months. And it was a huge motivator for me to get better. I began picturing a relationship with this person, and tweaking my goals to fit in with her. I felt so excited and motivated to move forward, to pull myself together and to be able to get things I wanted to share with her.
I confessed how I felt and I was turned down. The fwb ended but we remain friends.
Now I can't feel these goals without feeling I'm doing them to prove her something. To show her that I'm valuable. I know it's a mind trap, I'm worthy enough as I am, and no matter what I accomplish she won't like me for other reasons. Hell, if she did I would be pissed tbh.
And yet I fall in the trap over and over. I can't help but to feel I'm doing this for her. To show her something. To prove that I'm lovable. In my clearer moments I know it's a good thing to share these things I want with someone I love. But I can't get her face out of that picture.
I see myself getting the things I want, and then smugly turning her down, even tho that's not what I want. It's not who I want to be. I loved her, accepted the defeat and wished her well. I don't want to do it out of spite or resentments. And as friends I would love to share some of it with her, just like any other friend.
I don't want her anymore, I got it, she is not for me and I let her move on. I just don't know how I move on. It's exhausting, some of these take a long of energy, and having that in top of it just makes them harder.