I struggle bonding with men.

uniptf · 2023-04-11T01:51:55+00:00

It can be tough for men to bond with men. We're raised - or we have been, historically - to be less open with our emotions, and thus we become uncomfortable not only opening up to others, but also when others open up to us. It doesn't help us learn to bond with men when fathers abandon us. You're clearly in a tough spot, and you're doing the right thing to seek counseling when you recognize patterns of problems, such as you've recognized with other people pulling away from you too.

One thing you might want to consider is reaching out once to people who have pulled away, and say that you're doing an inventory as you undertake a self-improvement effort, and ask them to please tell you the specific reasons that they pulled away from you. You'll have to be strong when you receive responses, and realize that they've decided to try to help you, because what they answer may not be easy to hear/read. Your responses back to them should just be short, gracious, and thankful. Then use the information you receive when you work with your counselor.

For your future efforts: men tend to bond most closely and in lasting ways over activities that they share and enjoy together, and most so when those involve physical and mental difficulty and require fortitude. See if you can find an activity that will challenge you physically, and challenge your perseverance in some way... hiking, backpacking camping, climbing, weightlifting, rowing/"crew" (because it's often done very early in the morning before work), mountain biking, etc.; and see if you can find meetups to do them, or people looking for others to be partners or buddies in such things, and start out just making casual connections through the activities you choose.

Some cities and the surrounding metropolitan areas even have casual sports leagues for adults for fun activities rather than super serious athletics...things like dodgeball, kickball, horseshoes, darts, softball, flag football, etc. Those may be other places you can connect with other men that start as you just getting together casually for short periods to do fun stuff and get to know each other, that eventually may lead to closer friendships.

Definitely get yourself the counselor you have started looking for, and dig into the issues you already recognize. They'll be able to help you with dealing with what you're currently going through, and to manage your behavior in the future so other folks don't withdraw.

Also know that this is not solely about you. Adults have a harder time making friends and establishing deep friendships that last a long time, once we're outside of a school/college/university environment and in the working world and have family lives.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-pathways-of-experience/202304/male-friendship-why-its-hard-for-men-to-bond-closely

Here are some more suggestions

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/on-masculinity-and-male-bonding/ https://www.unfinishedman.com/a-guide-to-bonding-with-other-men/

https://mensgroup.com/brotherhood/

Experiment_1005 · 2023-04-11T02:26:08+00:00

Hey, idk how to tell you about your trust issues other than to keep trying and hope you’re able to find the right people to bond with, also I think you’re on the right track with counseling.

I very much identify with the abandonment issue as my father abandoned my family when I was a toddler, I’ve spent my whole life trying to deal with it and I’ve made a lot of headway and I’ve gotten help with that from counselors.

As far as this bond you’re searching, have you ever heard that Bible verse ‘so as iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another’? I think it applies to humans, but with men in my experience this is true as-my deepest friendships with men have been formed over hobbies and passions. So what hobbies do you have/partake in? I have strong dnd friends, musician friends, video game friends, sports friends etc. the friendships transcend the activity/hobby but they all started with that. And if you don’t have a hobby there’s plenty out there to do! It’s never too late to pick up something you find interesting and you don’t have to be great at it to be accepted or to have fun. I hope this helps and I wish you the best, truly

badderthanyesterday · 2023-04-11T22:11:05+00:00

I'm in the same boat brother.

My advice is to join a rugby club. You feel like you're going into battle together. You bleed together. Thats bonding on the lizard brain level.

You don't need to be good or even in very good shape. There's different teams for different skill levels. Everyone is welcome and numbers are always needed. Hell at 20 I was playing for the top squad but now I'm in my 30s and fat so I play 3rd Division (beer league).

Practice = automatic social time 3 days a week. Games on Saturday and beers at the club house afterwards.

Hell the old guys who can't play anymore still show up to down a few and hang with the lads. I've seen a man in his 80s play part of a game (made some safety rules for him of course) then chug a pint and sing a song with guys ranging all the way down to 18.

Join a rugby club.

HistoricalSpecial386 · 2023-04-12T09:14:34+00:00

I can very much relate to your experience.

What has worked wonders for me is to join a local men’s group. It’s amazing to regularly meet up with other men and talk about issues and open up about feelings. I highly recommend giving it a go.

Also two books that have helped me (both available on Audible if you prefer listening)

No more Mr Nice Guy, by Robert Glover
A New Manhood, by Steve Biddulph

Title	I struggle bonding with men.
Author	m3th0d23
Upvotes	25
Comments	9
Date	April 10, 2023 6:56 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/12hs9mc/i_struggle_bonding_with_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/i-struggle-bonding-with-men.1213955 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213955

Comments