Scared

I believe i have a moral obligation to the people around me to holdfast and carry the weight i've been given to carry. To pick up our cross and bear it, so to speak, for lack of a better non-religious phrase. But i cant do it, it seems ridiculous to try lift that.

I had childhood brain tumors and ive been left with multiple conditions, worst being PANhypopituitarism, nerve pain and bone+collagen issues.

Ive been to a few therapists now who have suggested seeing other therapists. When i get stuck into their practices things generally got worse. Ive got no ideas of how to help myself or help anyone else. I can't see any way out of this. Im so sick and weak all the time and the nerve pain is overwhelming and i get confused. My musles are atrophying, my bones are fragile, my joints dont work well. My testicles are atrophied, and my penis hurts. What is there to work towards and hope for? Im so bloody lonely.

Ive always been proactive about brushing off my knees and getting on with the next hopeful thing but i dont know how to get on with things and pretend things are going to get better. I dont have good times to look back on and aim for. I'm scared of waking up tomorrow, if i manage to sleep. Im scared of the next moment, i hate myself so much i feel like everypart of me is trying to get away from the rest, like if i could just crawl out of my skin id be free. I feel like im stuck in perpetual freefall with a bomb seductively ticking on my back.

The more i try to fill the holes of all the experiences ive missed out on and will never know, the more ashamed of myself i become. The lines ive crossed to just try to feel something nice, if i had the money i would pay a hooker just for a hug or any kind of physical closeness. I dont want to hurt my sister, my mum, my dog, but the idea of living the same exact day for the rest of my life seems like a bigger suffering than the suffering id leave behind.