I’m likely going to end up deleting this post because I don’t want to be shamed if someone sees it outside this sub but i needed to make some kind of post to hopefully people that understand. This isn’t a rant post, just hoping if anyone has similar experiences they can share as I’m feeling very isolated.

Recently I’ve fallen severely ill and had to shut down my business I dropped out of college for because I can’t focus on it. I’m up to my neck in debt, likely will have to sell my car. Doctors are dragging their feet, I’ve been having neuropathic issues for over 6 months and chronic pain everywhere. I cannot get a job, drive or do really much of anything. This all sucks but it’s whatever I will live I will figure it out, I just needed to give context.

My problem is that whatever happens after this, if anything happens, makes me incredibly hopeless. My lovely girlfriend is prepping to move for med school a few states away and I obviously want to go with her. With my financial state and medical state it’s becoming more unlikely I do. I’ve lost so much weight that I don’t recognize myself anymore and hate looking at myself. I trust my girlfriend with my life, we’ve been dating for years, but I feel as if I’m deadweight now and fundamentally I currently am. I can’t even buy her a birthday present or flowers, and she luckily doesn’t expect it, but I feel like that time is running out. I’d understand completely if my situation doesn’t improve and she wanted to move on, I can’t expect her to shelve her dreams to watch me rot for the foreseeable future. I just feel so worthless.

Now, I also have a friend who is a female. I’ve known her since highschool and she got married a little over a year ago. Her husband is a saint and does everything for her. She doesn’t work, do chores or really anything. She isn’t taking advantage of him, he wants to do this for her (and I think they plan on having kids sooner than later and she’d stay home). She’s always been more left leaning and never has gone too far out of “wanting everyone to be happy and healthy” territory, but as of late she’s become increasingly hostile towards men and me. She stopped by recently to check on me and we ended up talking about men/women. To put it blunt she ranted about how men basically deserve nothing and everything is men’s fault. After I had stated that treating “good” men poorly because of “bad” men is only going to drive the “good” men away which caused her to get incredibly angry and state “Those at the top of the totem pole will never understand what it’s like to be at the bottom”. That is where I ended the conversation, but everytime I talk to her since then she behaves as if I’m just evil. She told me today that my girlfriend was “the only thing stopping me from becoming a full blown incel” when I had said the current “lookmaxxing” trend is worry some. This is the same friend that helped me recognize myself as a victim of SA (I won’t call it the R word because I still feel like I can’t have been). It’s taken me years just to recognize what had been done to me and still I’m afraid to acknowledge it because it’s been drilled into me that it wasn’t a violation of my body.

I’m not at all trying to hate on her, I understand her anger, I’ve seen the awful shit men do and the way they behave. I just can’t help but be angry and depressed from it, she has a whole husband completely taking care of her so that she doesn’t have to do anything and I’m in a bottomless abyss with nothing to help me get out. The worst part isn’t that she’s living a far better life than me, it’s that I feel like I can’t say anything to her or anyone without coming across as invalidating them or their experiences. I actually hate being a man completely, I truly hate that I was born this way. I want to be a man but not today nor tomorrow. I just want it to end. Even if my health recovers I have no career, no assets, no savings, no backup. I’m going to end up working some shitty job and be looked down upon by the world as a failure. I can’t even gain weight back until I have money again, so I’ll be ugly, broke, and the laughing stock.

There’s nobody to help me, nobody that will listen, nobody that will care. Women and men constantly make me feel like an alien. My psychiatrist that I’ve been seeing since middle school for ADHD won’t even take me seriously, he actually blows me off when I try to talk about my mental health.

Anybody know when it’ll end? Coping mechanisms? Places to go? Anything?