My wife and i have been together for almost 14 years. our relationship started out very unhealthy, both of us coming off divorces, me not wanting another committment. But as things happen, we got pregnant so I decided i wanted get my crap together and start a family with her. Side note, i already had 2 children with my ex, she brought one child into the relationship. Things were good for awhile. I was super busy and stressed. Both of us working. I was going to college and working 2 side jobs to help support my family of 6. I knew i was too busy but i just needed to provide. To back up a bit, i lost my mom when i was 9. Grew up with alcoholic parents. Didnt realize how my moms death was affecting me. I felt a constant need to be wanted. To be desirable. Apparently a trauma response from childhood. I struggled with having inappropriate conversations with women. She would catch me and i would freak because i felt this need to have these connections. Id promise to stop but fall right back into it. Changing jobs and taking a significant pay cut was the final straw. My huge stress and inappropriate conversations went too far. I ended up cheating with 3 different people over the course of 2 years. Nothing more than one time instances. I would see how far i could push things and id push too far. Instant regret each time. Disgusted with myself. After the 3rd time i vowed to get myself right. But i didnt know how. On comes a woman from out of state who id chatted with for years. i tried to break off our conversations only to be drawn in again over and over. I finally got a new better paying job and i just wanted to do right by my family. I told this LD woman no more. Im done. She "conveniently" leaves her phone open to our message and falls asleep. Her husband sees it and flips out. Tracks my wife down. She loses her mind. In the coming weeks she finds out about the cheating. Gives me an ultimatum-get help or get out. This was in september 2017. I was terrified to see a counselor. i didnt think they could help me. I agreed to go. Man. I just wish id done it 15 years earlier. My counselor works through my issues with me for years. It hurts so bad i start to understand my issues and my patterns. I try to hold on to one "friendship" i thought was genuine, one of the women i cheated with. She loses her mind again and drives to this womans house. Idk what happened there. The whole time im in counseling shes lashing out at me. Shes both physically and verbally abusive. I would like to note here that other than pushing her away when she was hitting me i never got physical with her. Not once in our relationship. Fast forward to yesterday. Bear in mind the whole time since 2017 shes lashed out at me. Sometimes its every few days, sometimes a month or two. But absolutely a pattern. I have not cheated since 2017. Yesterday i get a call from my dad. Hes 76. Needs me to stop and fix something on his computer. Wife and i had discussed our evening earlier in the day and i knew i had time to do it. Decided id pick up our 4yo from daycare then go over. I call her when i get out of work. I mention my plans during our conversation. She is triggered i can tell. She says she will get the 4yo from daycare and starts asking who she is... i stay calm and explain what was needed and and that i would be home by 615. She hangs up on me. I go to my parents alone and fix the issue. I leave and text her that i will be home by 615. She responds that she wont. I get home and she refuses to come home with the kids. Tells me i need to leave the house. So i do. I go 10 minutes up the road to the gas station and get gas and food. I sit in the parking lot to eat. She starts stalker calling me over 20 times. Im really upset with her so i dont answer. She then accuses me of going to someones house near the gas station. I have my snap map.purposely turned on so she can see where i am. She claims it shows me at someones house. i never went anywhere but the gas station. I end up going back home when she sends me a cryptic message about not being good enough for anyone and that i wont have to see her again. She makes this statement frequently. I go home to be with the kids. Im needing to go pick up my oldest son from hockey. She wont let me take the kids along to go get him. She tells me she will be home. I leave to get him as shes pulling in the drive. She goes on about me not caring. Truth is ive just had enough of it.

I slept on the couch. She hasnt spoken to me yet today.

So how do i fix this? Is it even possible? She refuses counseling and wont go on any type of antidepressant or antianxiety even though she knows shes experiencing both... I own the mistakes ive made. Ive worked so hard to restore her trust but it just seems like its hopeless. Kept hoping different situations would help it. Shes now a SAHM and apparently that didnt fix it either. I love this woman deeply. But i need this turnoil to stop for good. Please help.