I was raised in an average middle classed family with helicopter parents in India. As I have grown old,I have realized that I have essentially been controlled by my parents and my society in relation to my choices. For those who do not know, families tend to joint in nature in India with most parents living with their children.

As I grew up, I was barred from normal socializing events with my friends till the age of 17 (most of my teens). My parents especially my mother used to police my interactions with girls of my age. She would pressure me to stop talking to any girl who was interested in me from the age of 12 to 19. She would almost tail me and the moment would see me talking to a girl or just saying hi, she would berate me after I come home. As I result,I was scared stiff and stopped interacting with women altogether. I could not take the mental toll of constant questioning and berating for the innocuous act of talking to a woman.

Other simple acts which would also have helped me socialize well were also barred. I used to read tonnes of political philosophy books in my teens. As a result, my mother feared that I would somehow develop a lot of interest in books which were not related to my academics and therefore disallowed me to read any books apart from books related to my course in my university. I was not allowed access to books of my choice apart from academic books,I was not allowed to take up a graduation course of my choice (My parents wanted engineering and I had to go through,I could not cope and failed in all my grades).

I have grown up to be a socially awkward loner,with a receding hairline and no social skills. I luckily have a nice job and that is the only thing going right for me. I am 27 now,and my parents have started persuading me to marry a woman. I have tried explaining to them that I cannot find a woman on my own. Yet this has fallen on deaf years. I feel like my life is going down the drain. My parents expect me to run at 120 mph an hour and refuse to take a No. I have been like this all my life,and have never said them a No because I do not want to disappoint them. I am an incel.

Edit - I do not have friends,siblings or even work colleagues. I do meet some people but cannot socialize well as a result I never end up having anyone close. My former classmates avoid me and do not interact with me. It sucks to be lonely. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am gropping in the darkk and am stumbling into the chasm day by day. My self esteem does not exist as I am almost bald,fat and reclusive. I do not want to be miserable. It is not as if I have not tried,I have dressed nice, showered twice a day, been a soft spoken man,but neither do I have friends, nor have I ever had the luxury to be loved by anyone other than my parents.

P.S - I am not saying that I am entitled to have a woman who loves me,or I am entitled to be understood despite my social awkwardness by everyone. In the same way someone complaining about being poor does not entitle him to getting money for free. However, I am just reflecting on my life,and seem to have reached a conclusion that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.