Mission: Love others in Christ, teach those in the church to use their brains, and show the world that Christianity is true, not a preference. I don't need a woman's help with this.

Stats: Age -- 27 BF -- 11% Height -- 5'10" Weight -- 158lb Lifts (I don't 1RM) -- Bench 155 3x10, Squat 195 3x10, DL 195 3x11 (my grip goes before my posterior chain). Mostly lift for hypertrophy.

Reading: NMMNG, Rational Male, Some of WISNIFG, MMSL

Finances: Grad student working on doctorate, so grad student stipend with fellowship. Prospects are OK (for a PhD...), but I'm no longer sure how a Christian can be practically useful in higher ed. No debt for me, wife is another story I'll get into.

Spiritual: Lifelong Christian, active member of my small church, no people my age there so community isn't as vibrant as I would like. Still go to a weekly group of "younger" people that are ~35, some with kids. Struggling off and on with porno, big surprise I'm sure, but I am relying more and more on the Spirit for strength in overcoming this and making progress.

I was married about four years ago to a woman who simply couldn't imagine life without me. Over the years, this has gone on a rollercoaster that I now see as largely a result of BP traits from my wife. She has a severe fear of abandonment which led to love bombing for all our dating life, conforming herself to traditional Christianity while we were dating (rather than the liberal Christianity she holds to in her heart of hearts), and actively seeking marriage.

Once we were engaged, she realized she was giving up much of herself and this scared her. She started trying to take back control by refusing to change her name (after the engagement when before she had been practicing signing with my last name), wanting to travel and work separate from me for longer periods of time, and then wanting to have a long distance marriage while she pursues a new degree. She constantly complained shortly after marriage of me not listening to her, not saying things to her in the right way, not being sensitive enough, not feeling in love, etc. Early on I simply tried harder and harder to placate, obviously it never worked and things only got worse. She began dealing with these issues by screaming, lots of blame (of me, men in general, the world, etc.), withdrawing emotionally, no longer contributing to household chores, etc. Sex was always on her schedule, which was fine when it was frequent enough, but we now have had sex maybe 10 times in the last two years.

About a year ago, she finally asked to separate so we could "work on ourselves" and "figure out what we wanted from the relationship." I did everything I could to avoid this but ultimately it wasn't up to me. Around then I swallowed the red pill, started seeing her accusations as no longer about me, e.g. "You don't listen to me" becomes "I feel unheard". I can do something about the former, not the latter, and I finally started to internalize that and understand why nothing was working and my placations meant nothing.

I've been lifting for about 18 months, I was already in pretty good shape and now I am in the best shape of my life. I engaged in all the self-improvement that RP suggests. I dress better, groom better, I'm pursuing a graduate degree that the university is paying for, no debt, I've read a ton of RP, I'm no longer enabling and giving in to s--- tests. I set boundaries and enforce them, I no longer allow myself to be screamed at, I don't take try to take responsibility for things another adult should be responsible for. I am active in my local church and pursuing growth there irrespective of my wife's non-involvement.

For my wife's part, her life completely collapsed after moving out. She stopped working, got herself into severe debt (I split our finances so all the debt is hers), became severely depressed and would not go see a doctor or therapist, and became dependent on drugs to cope (nothing hard like meth or heroin). She became intolerable to her roommate within months so she had to move out to her parents'. I tried throughout all this to maintain as much contact as I could and get her as much help as I could, but I can't make appointments for her and I certainly can't make her go. What I have come to understand is that her decisions, feelings, and attitudes are consistent with someone suffering from many borderline personality traits. Very little of what she feels has anything to do with external reality and all to do with her emotional reality.

Now that her lease is up and she had nowhere to go she came back asking to move back in. I said no. I am not going to be an option of last resort. Actually, I am not going to be an option. I told her once she gets healthy, then we can restart our relationship in terms of cohabitating.

Sorry for the long victim puke, but I wanted to set the stage of just what things are like before asking for advice. Basically, I don't know how to move forward with this relationship in a Christian context (especially in a non-gynocentric Christianity). I know most RP guys would say GTFO, but because of my faith I do not want to divorce, and though perhaps one might say I was abandoned a year ago, she now wants to come back (though that might change in mere months, and there's no sign that it is genuine rather than simply being her best option). For full disclosure, there was infidelity on both of our parts years ago, but nothing physical on my part and nothing leading to sex on hers so biblically I am not sure there is grounds for it anyway. Plus, we both decided to put it behind us and work on our marriage, and the issues were there long before these incidents. But just because we are not divorcing does not mean we have a marriage. We don't. She has been non-functional for so long now that I am not sure she is capable of being a functional partner for any extended period of time. Thus the marriage is non-functional. She can move back in, but there has been no indication that it will be anything but the emotionally abusive, financially dangerous, sexually vacant, drug coping one-sided effort it was before she moved out. So what does the Christian do in the meantime? To me, it seems the only option consistent with my faith at the moment is just to give up on my dreams of being a father and accept celibacy until she dies or leaves me for another person. Btw, I expect the impossibility of fatherhood and celibacy to continue whether we are cohabitating or not. Many of the RP self-improvement guys are quite open to the possibility that your wife may simply never respond to you increasing your SMV, and in that case, at least you're in a good position for your next try. But I hope it goes without saying that things are not so simple for the Christian. So what does RPChristians have to say at this divergence point from secular RP?