Background:

We started dating in my early 20s. I moved to his city and never really built a support system between the pandemic, school, and being self-employed.

Financially, he covers rent, shared bills, and food. I cover my personal expenses. I handle all household chores, including his laundry. He has two kids, and even though I was told I wouldn’t be responsible for them, that shifted into me cleaning up after them and doing their laundry too. The laundry went back to him finally after four years of me telling him I couldn’t handle it, was too overwhelmed, etc. I still do dishes / clean otherwise it just doesn’t get done. House is impossible to keep up with on my own.

Dynamic:

He cares about me and provides, but he has a history of anger and defensiveness. That caused a lot of issues early on. I stayed through things I probably shouldn’t have because I loved him, had low self-worth at the time, and didn’t have much support.

He has improved emotionally. But it’s inconsistent.

At the same time, I feel like I’ve grown a lot. Fitness, self-care, emotional awareness. He has gone the opposite direction physically and in basic hygiene, which has affected my attraction. Fitness was a huge part of our initial relationship.

Sex and porn:

Sex used to be a big part of our connection. I’m very open, initiate often, and try to meet him where he’s at. Over time I started getting rejected more, so I pulled back. We haven’t had sex in almost two months.

I found out he has a porn addiction. This hurt a lot, especially because early on he set the expectation that we wouldn’t watch porn without each other, and I respected that.

The cycle:

I find out

He gets defensive

Makes promises

Then falls off

After the third fallback I essentially said I’m disconnected and not interested in talking this through. Our relationship is breaking down and you need to step up.

So he committed to real change. Books, men’s group, updates. For a bit I felt hopeful. Now it’s tapering again. Missed meetings, not reading, no updates.

Where I’m at:

We are distant. Barely any physical touch. Rarely go on dates.

I’ve stopped doing the extra things I know I could do. Initiating, being flirty, all of it. I just don’t feel motivated to pour into him when he won’t fully show up for something this important.

I graduate this spring. No job yet, but I’m starting to think I may leave once I’m stable unless something changes in a real way.

At the same time, I do love him. I’m scared to be alone. I don’t have much of a support system. I want him to be who he said he would be in the beginning.

But I also feel like something in me is wearing down after years of this pattern.

Questions:

• Do I tell him I’m seriously thinking about leaving, even if I’m not in a position to actually walk out yet?

• Do I stay pulled back, focus on myself, and just ride this out until I can support myself?

• Do I try to show up fully again on my end? I’m sure part of his complacency is because I’m not the exciting fangirl for him that I used to be.

I did post with issues half a year ago so feel a little ashamed that I’m still mulling over this but…I’m loyal, maybe to a fault, and I couldn’t live with it if I felt like i should have done more.

TLDR: I’ve stayed through years of hurt and broken trust, and now I’m stuck between trying again or leaving once I’m able.