Hello friends,

I am looking for some advice. I am currently in Australia waiting for my visa to go abroad and marry my American fiancé! We have been together for almost 4 years and I spend every few months in the US with him when I don't have obligations here (and he comes here when work allows).

However, during the visa process you cannot be in the US while awaiting approval. As such, I have not been back to our home in over six months, have not seen him for almost three and with him working so many hours and me gathering up my things to move and make preparations for our wedding, we have both been very stressed. Our relationship has always been quite harmonious and we do not typically engage in fights.

Earlier this evening I expressed disappointment and anger when he told me he would like to move our wedding to another state because it would be more convenient for his friends and family to go there instead of where we picked. He had invited new guests without telling me and had assumed it would be okay. I have been planning and organizing this wedding mostly by myself (which is fine, it's a small wedding and it's not as much work as one would think) but planning a wedding from the other side of the world proves difficult with timezones and currency conversions.

But the financial cost is not the problem; I do not even know the people he has asked, some of his family is racist (and do not like me for obvious reasons and have made rude comments about the possibility of our children) and our wedding was supposed to just be us and 16 other people. People we both know, love, and his mother and brother. Small, and intimate. Safe.

I am not upset about that anymore; I am upset that I told him that he did not appreciate me, that he did not appreciate that I am moving across the world to a country where people might look down on me for my heritage (I am French and black and my English is... alright), and that I was upset that I paid more towards the wedding than he had (in some things) and even more than that, cared more about the wedding than he did.

He took these things to heart and very flatly told me that he loved me, that I made him feel useless and that he was going to bed.

Looking back now I realize that I was an absolute child and said some things to him that were really rude. I don't care about the money or the wedding or any of that. We could get married in a courthouse the moment I get back to Oregon. This is not the point.

I care that I have been so stressed and not been able to deal with it that I exploded with him and now I'm so anxious that he'll wake up and tell me that he doesn't want to marry me anymore, or love me, or... I hurt him so badly. How can I do better next time, when I am this stressed? How can I make it up to him, and be more receptive to him? This is not just my wedding, it is our wedding, I just feel I have too much on my plate and I can't manage it.

He is not a bad man. He has provided a home for us and is building our future, and all I could think to do was make it about myself.

I just would like some guidance. I don't have a mother or any female relatives and I would be so appreciative of some advice. In the meantime I am going to go back and re-read Doyle's book.

Thank you for reading.

EDIT:

Hi, everyone! So, I took all of the advice, and this is what happened.

Firstly, I apologized. He had some very firm but loving words for me, and he told me about his burdens at work and how hard he's been working to build a future for us when I arrive. He acknowledged all the work I was doing, and was surprised that I didn't know about the other invitees because apparently he'd mentioned them before.

We are moving the wedding. The venue I wanted wasn't something he wanted very strongly and he felt a bit upset that I was planning the wedding around him, and that he hadn't really gotten much input because he'd been busy! We are also adding more of his guests, but also more of mine. The new venue is larger and more beautiful - natural, open space by the mountains - and we talked about those relatives of his who I was apprehensive about. Apparently he spoke to them some months before and they apologized to him, and not me. It's not perfect, but... it's nice. He told me it was up to me ultimately if they came; I said if they can be civil, I will allow them to stay.

Everything feels better now. He and I are planning everything from scratch again, but we're doing it together and I have never been more excited for our wedding!

Thank you for listening, I really was fretting over nothing! <3