I read Shaunti Feldhahn quite a bit and came across this blog posting yesterday. (She is Christian based but focuses on many of the same principles RPW discusses.) She remarks on a letter received from a pastor who works with young couples who sought advice on how to talk about the pitfalls of living together before marriage. In her reply to him, she brings up "sliding vs deciding" which is coined from the actual blog Sliding vs Deciding: Scott Stanley's Blog

In doing research for one of her books on marriage, she came across an interesting study by a professor at the University of Denver, Dr. Scott Stanley, Sliding vs. Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect..

Abstract

Premarital cohabitation has consistently been found to be associated with increased risk for divorce and marital distress in the United States. Two explanations for this “cohabitation effect” are discussed: selection and experience. We present an empirically-based view of how the experience of cohabitation may increase risk for relationship distress or divorce for some people beyond what is accounted for by selection. Specifically, using a commitment framework, we suggest that some couples who otherwise would not have married end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation. We discuss practice implications for relationship transitions that are characterized more by sliding than deciding, especially where a transition such as cohabitation increases inertia to remain in a relationship regardless of quality or fit.*

Here's an audio also by Scott Stanley where he talks about dedication and constraint commitment, oxytocin levels in men and women, and bullets these five points

  • Puppy Love
  • The ambiguity of relationships in this age
  • Sliding vs. Deciding
  • A brief review of findings on cohabitation before marriage (and why it is especially more risky for some people, at least before engagement)
  • How people are often giving up options before making a choice
  • The nature of commitment and the anchoring force of decisions

From NCBI

Dedication describes the intrinsic desire to be with one's partner. It encompasses couple identity (e.g., “we are a team”), having a long-term view of the relationship, making the relationship a priority, and making sacrifices for one's partner or the good of the relationship. On the other hand, constraint commitment refers to aspects of one's relationship or partner that make it difficult to break up (e.g., financial investments, social pressure to stay together, concern for partner's welfare, and worry that there are no other suitable partners). Constraint commitment may seem negative or detrimental and it likely is in some cases, but it can also motivate partners to stay together and work through difficult times. However, constraint commitment alone is not sufficient to maintain a healthy relationship, and it has historically been far less associated with relationship quality than dedication is (Adams & Jones, 1997; Johnson et al., 1999; Stanley & Markman, 1992).

I find all of this really interesting and think it's important information to consider when thinking about cohabitation and marriage. There's a lot to digest and I look forward to the comments! Especially if you don't agree, or think something has been overlooked!