How do I deal with extremely unconstructive negativity from my partner?

JackGoldsteinWrites · 2015-03-11T22:26:04+00:00

It sounds like he just lacks maturity. Most good men are able to keep their steadfast resolve and remain stoic under duress. A good measure of a man is the magnitude of problems he faces while maintaining his stoic resolve. Little things upset him : Boy. Big things don't upset him : Man.

I'm not sure there's a quick fix. You can try to coach him to calm down. But in some way, he has to kind of get there on his own.

PhantomDream09 · 2015-03-11T22:37:05+00:00

/u/Roostercoasters you are with a man that finds relief through the act of venting. Unfortunately (as you are learning first hand) - women find it hard to respect and look up to a man that continually complains.

He either needs to grin and bare it or get a different job. This is not a decision I can make for him, there's nothing I can do to make his situation better.

Listening and giving him a sympathetic ear is how you help him.

Now back to the issue, these f'ing text messages. Pages and pages of them unsolicited just filled with negativity. I have asked him before if it wouldn't just be easier to call me and talk about what's going on, or tell me when he gets home. Anything but this. No hey, how's your day, I miss you, I love you. Nothing remotely positive about what he's experiencing just an angry onslaught of messages. The method of communication almost bothers me more than the pessimism of the messages.

A lot of men experience the same kind of frustration with women. My guess is that texting is something he can do quickly when he has a spare moment. I vent to my SO, and he always understands the function it serves for me. Your SO isn't looking for a solution, he just needs to be heard. If you receive a negative text, try picking up the phone and calling him.

He'll come back and say "oh actually it wasn't a big deal, my boss solved the problem, I solved the problem" whatever. The point is he gets really worked up and then it turns out whatever he was worked up about gets resolved and it's like it never happened.

He has a momentary flare of emotion and releases it by venting to you. It doesn't matter that the issue turned out to be trivial in the end, or that he resolved it. He feels comfortable sharing it with you, and sees you as a trusted confidant. The issue is that by opening up to you, he has altered the way you view him.

The things I find especially distressing are as follows:

(1) Your instinct was to vent to strangers on the internet first instead of going to your SO with these concerns

(2) You JUST made a thread 5 days ago talking about how excited you were about the improvements in your relationship and the things you have been working on. The way you talk about him in that post versus this on is quite stark.

How long has this been going on? Supporting your SO when he experiences difficulty is extremely important. If you've been carefully navigating this issue as best you can for 6+ months straight without wavering or losing patience - then I can maybe understand a brief vent...but if you've lost your composure and compassion with him and it's been a much shorter time-span then you need to reevaluate your motives.

I find it a bit distasteful, because your real issue is that he's not meeting your needs and you think he's being ungrateful for his position.

In my opinion (which I keep to myself), he's paying his dues to the field, he's getting experience in his field, etc. These are all luxuries I'm beginning to think I'll never know.

and

Anything but this. No hey, how's your day, I miss you, I love you. Nothing remotely positive about what he's experiencing just an angry onslaught of messages. The method of communication almost bothers me more than the pessimism of the messages.

He's focused on (and concerned with) his career. You don't seem to understand that his venting to you is a compliment. It means he trusts you, that he feels comfortable enough to share his inner stress and frustration with you. The problem is that in doing so, he has simply been giving you ammunition to pick him apart more (which you have done so here).

This is really a minor thing that you seem to be blowing out of proportion.

Title	How do I deal with extremely unconstructive negativity from my partner?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	8
Date	March 11, 2015 10:11 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2yq7xi/how_do_i_deal_with_extremely_unconstructive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-deal-with-extremely-unconstructive.166121 https://theredarchive.com/post/166121

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