Good morning!

For transparency, I (m34) am coming here out of respect to this community and looking for perspective on an issue that has been consistent throughout my marriage to my wife (f31).

We’ve been married for just over 9 years, and I’ve noticed that my wife has a deep seeded low self image. This manifests in bouts of crippling anxiety/depression at its worst, and at its best is used as motivation for her to pursue achievement in her professional life.

In between this, however, it can cause tension in our relationship when she sees that I take initiative in my own life (socially/professionally/physically) and make improvements in these areas for myself.

We both work in the same industry, and at one time even for the same company. Whenever I garner positive attention resulting in increased pay/responsibility, she will on the surface level congratulate me and show pride in my accomplishments, however there are times where she tries to show her dominance by discrediting my opinions with respect to our professions. A couple of years ago this inferiority issue she has, when she saw me making strides towards promotion, prompted her to hastily pursue her masters (i say hastily because she signed up for the classes with out figuring a way to pay for it, which i then had to scramble to come up with funds. i did this happily because she’s great at her job and i genuinely wanted to support her in this endeavor, but still rubbed me the wrong way as it was inconsiderate).

We now work for different companies, but her position is higher than mine on the organizational chart and she earns a significant amount more than me. This has led to more instances where she will purposely devalue my opinions because “i don’t know how things work at that level of the industry”, and this tends to happen more so when in conversation with other people rather than when we are alone. I find this incredibly disrespectful, but when I try to point it out to her she gets very defensive and basically avoids the conversation completely. Seems it really strikes a nerve with her that I address what clearly is an inferiority complex she’s had since before she met me.

I’ll happily fill in any gaps by answering followup questions, but I was wondering if any of you had any insights to addressing this with her. I don’t want her to stop this solely because i find it disrespectful and counterintuitive to a strong relationship, but also because I genuinely want her to feel more confident about herself.

Thanks in advance!