I think this is going to be a long post. I’m pretty depressed about things now, I hope to get as much advice as I can.

4 years ago, I was in a relationship with this guy called X. I didn’t know it back then but X was extremely manipulative and abusive (mentally, emotionally and physically). X stopped me from being able to talk to anyone at all, I couldn’t even talk to my bestfriend (female) or I would get punished. I tried to fight back, I wanted to at least be able to have girl friends but he didn’t allow it and I complied. He’s also done many things to hurt me, like being violent with me in front of his friends and telling me how much he wants to fuck this girl we both knew. As the months went by, my self-worth diminished greatly, I was fucked up in the head. He also made me do sexual favours for him, forced me, actually. He made it routine for me and if I didn’t comply, there would be consequences for me. I cried a lot at that time, because I was forced to do these favours when I didn’t want to (I was pretty young at that time). Every time I cried, he’d get angrier, but he wouldn’t console me at all. He’d just make me do the sexual favours while I cried. He never met any of my needs and never made sex fun for me. He made it a chore. He was the first boyfriend I had any form of sexual intimacy with so safe to say, he ruined my first time for me. At that time, I dreaded doing anything sexual. But I still did it, because my mentality goes as: I have to finish the job or I’ll get punished. This also triggered my depression and anxiety so I’ve been in this battle for many years now, alongside with diminished self-worth and self-love.

Back to the present, I’ve been with my current partner for over a year now and he’s the best. He truly is. He’s helped me with countless problems, I am extremely grateful, I love him and I want to marry him. The problem now is that I am having difficulty being intimate with him. I still have that dreading feeling, as well as the “have to complete the job” feeling. Sex is fun with him, he keeps the mood light and happy for me, knowing about my past. He understands me and doesn’t force me into anything. I just feel really upset with myself because I cannot truly enjoy this intimacy with him. Furthermore, because of my past and my diminished self-worth etc, I have an extremely low libido, like non-existent. I don’t have any sexual needs myself. My partner, on the other hand, has an extremely high libido. Because I cannot keep up with him, he feels very unwanted. RPW preaches that women should be sexually there for their husband which I fully agree with as I’m pretty traditional myself, but because of all my problems I cannot fulfil this, and in turn it makes me feel like a complete failure. He doesn’t want pity sex, which I don’t either.

I’m already seeing a psychologist and am currently waiting for a counsellor for sexual abuse to get back to me. I’ve also tried some libido enhancers like the famous maca supplement (did absolutely nothing for my libido). I have a pretty healthy lifestyle too. I just can’t get my libido to increase, even when I’m on my period. I’m doing an okay job at handling my depression and anxiety, it’s getting better and it’s not my depression or anxiety that is hindering my sex life.

I just need some advice, what to do, where do I go from here. Thank you for reading.

TLDR; I’ve been emotionally/physically/mentally abused and manipulated for a year 4 years ago. As a result, I find it very hard to enjoy intimacy with my partner, which makes him feel unwanted, which is the opposite of how I feel about him.