The other day, I was at the clinic for a blood test. The nurse was a middle aged woman who said - sweetheart, don't worry. I was a nurse since before you were born. I can hit that vein from across the room. 🤣

She got the needle in and pulled back the syringe handle, filling it with blood.

I asked her: why does it fill with blood when you pull it away from my arm?

She responded: because the syringe is empty, pulling it back creates a vacuum that draws in the blood.

That got me thinking. Is that me? Is that a metaphor for marriage?

Obviously, I don't want to be some kind of blood sucking vampire who will drain him of his vitality… 😁

But the concept of a vacuum pulling back to draw in the desired thing. That got me thinking.

I want my husband to "come towards me" in many ways. I want him to take initiative and get things done. To take care of me and the children. To come closer and notice more of the little things and to be active in solving them.

I need him in so many ways, but I want him to engage out of love. I don't want to overwhelm him. I don't want to be a burden or a chore to him.

But sometimes he simply doesn't notice the little things. Sometimes he's burned out or tired. Sometimes I need to be seen and I don't always know how to make that happen.

Did you try speaking to him? You know, communicate?

Here's the problem with that. Am I supposed to approach him and ask to please notice me more? 🤦‍♀️

How do you ask for him to care about the little things without being a nag?

(Looking through the wiki, I found this great post - bring him your problem, not your solution. This speaks about HOW to verbally ask. I'd like to focus more on how to create a welcoming space that will get his attention, making it much easier to ask).

Put simply, my desire is for him to come towards me and do things that love me through taking care of me. Perhaps, by being like the syringe, I can create the vacuum that will draw him in.

When he comes home to a barrage of requests or demands - I am not being a vacuum. I will not draw him in. I will only push him away.

When I'm pleasant, warm and welcoming. When I pull back and give him space - it will draw him in. His eyes and ears will be fully attentive to me. The rest is much easier from there. He's now ready for me to bring him my problems to solve.

These are things that I was already working on and saw the results. I just never thought of it this way.

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Another way to think of this idea.

People think of men as the active pursuers and women as the passive pursued ones.

Problem is: there is actionable advice for men in this. Men can learn how to pursue and how not to pursue.

But how is a woman supposed to learn how to be passive, when being passive means doing nothing?

I propose that our role is to create that welcoming space that will draw in the man. Like the blood that's rushing into the syringe, he will be focused on you and attentive to your needs.

Conversely, if you're closed off to him or if you're flooding him with your stream of consciousness - there is no empty space for him. He will feel rejected (???)

This is true regardless of whether you're trying to start something with a new man or continue something with your long time husband.