Deference is one of those words that drives non Red Pill people crazy. It conjures up an image of a 50's subservient housewife grimacing through her bolted on smile. It's a vision terrifying enough to make even the most casual of feminists wake up in a cold sweat.

In light of the negative mainstream opinion on a deferential woman, why do RPW choose to defer? Is it because men are more competent with authority? Is there some biological tendency for women to be happiest when in deference to a man? Does it just help stop all fighting and power struggles?

There is probably some truth in all of the above, but I would like to suggest a different, perhaps even more important reason why deference works. The explanation comes from adult attachment theory.

Our attachments, or bonds, to other people is fundamentally biological. As social animals we needed each other to survive. Attachment styles, however, are learned. The way our parents respond to our bids for security, help, and affection initially shapes our relationship habits. For instance, if our parents repeatedly ignore our requests for affection, we potentially might learn to quell this need since it never gets met. We could then grow up believing that we don't actually need affection at all and then use this belief to avoid intimacy. Psychologists have largely used attachment theory to help diagnose and treat behavioral problems in children, but in the last few decades, this has been extended to adult romantic relationships as well. There are 4 main types of attachment styles, secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant.

A secure attachment style is one where the couple has a good balance of independence and intimacy. They are sad to be apart, but not overly so. They express happiness when reunited. They share in their achievements and discoveries. They trust each other and think very highly of both themselves and their partner. Sounds good right?

The other attachment styles are characterized by either clingy-ness (anxious-preoccupied) or isolating oneself emotionally (dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant), low opinion of partner or self, low trust, and anger over needs not getting met. This is obviously something we'd like to avoid, both in ourselves and in our partner.

So how do non Red Pill, mainstream psychologists say how to achieve a securely attached relationship?Well like I said earlier, your attachment style is initially learned from your parents. Interestingly, clingy anxious types most often end up in relationships with distant, dismissive types and these types of relationships are actually relatively stable despite being less happy than secure relationships. (You can take a quiz to help determine your type here.) Over time, a person's attachment style can change to match their partner's, either for better or worse. So a big part of forming a healthy relationship is recognizing your own style and taking measures to change the type of person you are attracting or attracted to.

But how can you foster a secure attachment style in your current relationship? Secure attachment styles are created when the other person shows concern and sensitivity for the other person's needs. This is where RP, and deference comes in. Say your husband or boyfriend asks you to sit next to him on the couch. This is a bid for affection. He wants to feel close to you. He is using physical proximity as a measure of intimacy. Say that you happen to be comfortable where you are currently sitting, so you refuse his request. This is sending him the message that him asking for intimacy from you doesn't work. Do this enough times and he will start to resort to less healthy means. He might get clingy and start demanding affection, or he might get distant as he learns that he can't get affection from you when he asks. Most of us wouldn't want this. We want a secure relationship where our boyfriend or husband can ask us for affection when he needs it.

This applies to almost everything. A major mistake modern women make is to believe their man is controlling, (the assumption behind the subservient housewife feminist nightmare) when he is actually just asking for affection, attention, respect, or other basic normal human needs. He might ask for these things in a way that seems odd to us women (topic of another post), but it is up to us to learn how to recognize these requests and honor them. Enter the Red Pill. The best way to do this in the beginning is through deference. By being deferential you are telling your man that his needs are recognized, important, and valued by you.

Furthermore, in light of attachment theory, the way you defer also becomes important. Begrudgingly doing what he says does nothing to help your relationship. Because you are not sending him the message that you value his needs, you might as well not have deferred at all. Going back to the couch example, if you interpreted this as a guy ordering you around, then you might scowl or even grumble as you move. Even if you hide this well, you might feel inner resentment. However, this type of negative response in you will not be as likely if you recognize the request for what it is, a request for intimacy. Instead of grumbling and moving to sit next to him on the couch, you might feel compelled to jump up and sit on his lap like an excited kitten. Doing this and you will promote secure attachment by communicating that his needs are important to you.

Does this mean that you have to comply with every little request? Actually no. You really only have to comply at least greater than 50% of the time, but 100%of the time is not strictly necessary. If you aren't feeling well, it is ok to occasionally turn him down for sex for instance. The way you choose not to defer is also important. It is best to acknowledge his need, and express disappointment at not being able to meet it at this time. This should be used sparingly. The more you defer, the better and faster you will see positive results in your relationship.

Summary

  • The happiest relationships are composed of people with secure attachment styles.
  • Secure attachment styles are characterized by validating and showing sensitivity towards the other person's needs for security, affection, intimacy, and support.
  • Behaving deferentially mimics the secure attachment style.
  • Thus, behaving deferentially helps create a happy, stable relationship.