So this is more of a realization story, a realization that I need to stop being a beta, because it's hurting me more than it's helping me.

So last night, I was at a silly party, and I ended up winning a competition; I convinced a bunch of people to give me their party-tokens, leading to me having a five-pound necklace of bling, and winning a big 'ol bottle of mead. To many extents, I felt pretty on top of the world, but it wasn't really an accomplishment I would ever pride myself on; I have higher goals than impressing a bunch of party-goers.

Anyways, later on, everyone else had left but myself, four guys, and two ladies - one of whom was married. The other, was pretty drunk, and we had talked about her not driving herself home. In all respects, she wasn't SCHWASTED, and would probably remember all of that night, provided we kept the alcohol away from her from then on out.

Maybe some of you guys get where this is going. She came up to me, in private in the kitchen, and while reaching up and admiring my bling, she told me that it was an impressive feat that I won. That I could truly have anything I wanted having been given this victory. Looked me straight in the eyes, and I stared back, realizing - fully - what this could mean.

I was a deer in the headlights.

She knew what she was saying. She knew where it could go.

My only thought was that she wasn't in her right mind, because she was drunk. Yet, I didn't know how to get past that wall of beta, and tell her front-up-and-center that she was too drunk, but that I liked her, and maybe I could take her out to dinner sometime. Instead, I glanced away, pondered reality while she said a few more things to me and touched my chest, before saying to her "I'm gonna go talk to <person>" and walking away. Her response? A sad sounding "okay..."

Later, I ran into her having a conversation with my married friend, about how a guy hurt her - how, I don't know for sure, but either I was that guy, or I reminded her of her pain. Attempting to salvage things, I sort of pseudonym-chained my way into apologizing for being someone who turned ladies down sometimes, because of internal personal reasons that don't have to do with them.

None of this was...at all...helpful for impressing her, attracting her to me again. She might have forgotten me for a moment, but I just KNEW there was a way back...if only I knew how.

Now, I still don't really "know" how that might be done, but it's impacted me in a serious way: I can't keep living as a beta. I can't turn down moments THAT obvious anymore.

Yet, I don't...know...how. I feel like I can't change; inherent to my core, is an urge to remain a nice guy, and changing that would mean...well, do I even have the power to change things that deep? It's NATURAL for me to do this kind of bullshit.

This has been a bit of a rant, so I'll try and keep it coherent and concise here: I've tended to dislike the philosophy of The Red Pill. Women might enjoy whatever it is that's suggested here, but somehow it still felt wrong. Yet...after going through this, having it all painted in bright colors in front of me, it doesn't feel as wrong. It feels dumb to just ignore this facet of reality and hide from it.

Anyways, just wanted to share this for posterity's sake. I'll be around later but on a different account :