Introduction

I've been lurking here for a long time (~15 months) and I've never contributed anything. I've finally actually done something in real life that was a result of me reading here. I have no grand, heroic tale of going out and slaying The Vagina, but it was pretty significant for me and I'd like to share. This was perhaps the first time in my life I actually stood up for myself and directly confronted someone about something.

A little background on me: I'm your Average Frustrated Chump. Early 20s. General failure at life and a disappointment. I was a "smart kid" (not really) growing up, went to college early, then dropped out after 2 semesters because I coasted through grade school and nobody ever challenged nor humbled me so I was completely undisciplined and unprepared for college. I've been stumbling around for several years trying to figure out what I'm doing.

I've always been pretty timid and socially awkward. I was a NEET (Not Employed, Enrolled, or in Training) for a long time. Just mooching at my parent's house. You understand what kind of person I am.

Body

I got a job at a restaurant in a resort a month and a half ago. I clean tables. I love where I work, I love the people I work with, and I make great money. I find the job very fun, somehow. Pretty happy with life at the moment.

A waitress, X, 30 years old, trained me on what I needed to do my first day, but recently she's been pushing the boundary between me and her. She started talking more and more to me about guys on tinder, how shitty her ex-hubby is, she has a 3-digit partner count, how she really wants to fuck a bearded/tatted up guy etc. And she's been a bit bossy towards me. I'm not the new guy anymore and I know what I'm doing. I realized she views me as a chump and was starting to use me as an emotional tampon, hence her behavior.

Old Me would have let this continue. Maybe I would have tried to be her white knight. I probably would have fallen in love with her because oh, a female is giving me attention!

New Me was just annoyed at hearing this shit at work, and I wanted it to stop.

I confronted her about it, to let her know I don't appreciate her behavior. I caught her alone one day when it wasn't busy.

"Hey X, I need to talk to you about something, but I'm about to be a major prick and ruin your day, are you ready?"

"Wait, is this about _____?" She lists off a few things she thinks I'm about to talk about and I deny all of them.

"No no, it's not that... When do you get off work? We have customers and I don't want you to be all sad in front of them."

I made a playful sad face at her when I said that. To be honest, I was hesitating because I was a little nervous when I should have just spit it out. I've just... never stood up for myself for anything.

Pathetic, but baby steps right?

"No, you have to tell me now. Seriously, I hate these fucking games. Be straight up with me."

She stopped what she was doing and put her wrists on her hips and looked at me wide-eyed. She was such an amusing caricature in that moment that I laughed at her a little bit.

She was right though, I was cowering.

"Ok... from now on I don't want to hear about which dick you're sucking on tinder that week, or your ex-husband, or any of your relationship problems. I just want to come to work, work hard, and get shit done. I'm a positive person, and I only want positive things in my life. I work hard and play hard. That's who I am. I'm not your emotional tampon and I'm not going to let you treat me like one. We're friends and you're one of the better servers around here. I like working with you. But... when we're at work, we're at work. I don't care about your problems and I can't help you with any of them. If you say that any of shit to me again I'm going to ignore you. Do you understand?"

"I just... I can't believe what you just said to me. I'm shocked. I need to go to the bathroom. I'm about to cry."

Her voice is now quivering while she's talking, stuttering a little bit, and she's on the brink of crying.

Her: "I mean, I'm sorry for saying those things to you. I'm just trying to get over this, and I have bills to pay--"

"And I can't help you with any of that I'm sorry."

"I know I know. I didn't mean to treat you like an emotional tampon... I actually really like you, and you're such a hard worker and it's hard to find people like you."

She's rants for a little bit. I forgot what she said because I wasn't listening. She apologizes again and is clearly tearing up, so I put on a little cutesy voice like I'm talking to a kid and give her a playful hug.

"Aww it's okay, we're still friends."

I didn't feel bad at all for making her cry or being a dick. Well, not even being a dick, just not being a pushover/doormat/emotional tampon.

In fact... it felt good. After that, I felt amazing that day. She didn't bite my head off. God didn't smite me from the heavens for being an asshole. The sun rose in the east and set in the west. It felt good to enforce a boundary with someone else instead of letting them walk all over my shit.

The next day when I saw her, she came up to me and said,

"Hey A_Redpill_Neckbeard, I just wanted to let you know how upset I was that whole day."

She smiled at me when she said that. I laughed a little and said, "Good."

Later on that day when it wasn't busy, she told me she respected me for telling her that and everything I said makes sense.

The day after that, she told me that she tipped me out more than usual. She literally gave me money for standing up to her.

Ever since then, I haven't heard anything about Chad #134 on tinder. Just work-talk and she doesn't try to micromanage me anymore. She gave me compliments before, but I still hear her tell me things like, "You're doing a great job.", "Thanks for doing ____."

Also before anyone says anything, I don't want to fuck her. Don't give me tips. I have 0 sexual attraction to her. I'm actually scratching my head wondering how she found that many guys that want to fuck her. Are you serious bros? Raise your standards a bit.

Conclusion and Other Thoughts

It's important to know what boundaries you expect between you and other people, and you need to enforce it. Maybe it's even more important with women. If you don't make it clear where the boundary is, they will test you and push that boundary until they find it. They will push that boundary to see how big of a chump you really are. I believe you red pillers call this a "shit test".

I remembered something I've read here before I confronted her in order to re-assure myself that I was doing the correct thing.

"Women would rather feel something, rather than nothing." and

"Nice guys don't finish last, boring guys do."

I knew I was going to upset her, but that's fine. She probably thinks I'm more interesting as a result of that. The day after I confronted her, she playfully told me that I upset her and smiled at me. If she actually hated me or thought I was an "asshole", she wouldn't have said anything and simply avoided interacting with me.

Instead of just being another good kid (she described me that way) that shows up to work on time and works hard, I now have this extra dimension to me that makes me stand out from everyone else.

Final thought. One of the Laws of Power is "Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless". I've also seen this topic come up before.

I get a lot of praise at work for working hard. I hear it from the servers, a couple of the cooks on the line have noticed me on the floor and told me about it, all 3 of my managers have verbally praised me (and continue to do so) and rewarded me with food and additional hours that I requested. Restaurants seem to be a place where working your ass off is necessary to be "one of them". Even the veterans will instantly respect the new guy a lot if he works his ass off and keeps his mouth shut.

If you're lazy, it's probably even more socially punishing than in other workplaces.

The thing is, I never complain. I don't think I've complained yet, even jokingly since I started. I show up, shut up, and get it done every day I go to work.

Do my feet hurt? Am I tired? Am I hungry? Did I forgot to drink water during the rush and now I'm dehydrated? Am I sweaty and feel like shit? Fuck yes I am.

In a way, it's as if I'm working hard, effortlessly. I'm not sure how to express it. People will view you as someone who puts in effort, effortlessly, if they think that's who you are fundamentally.

In closing:

  • Don't apologize for someone getting their feelings hurt.
  • Know what boundaries you want between you and other people, and enforce it if they encroach upon it.
  • Enforcing a boundary without being overly butthurt about it (breaking frame), feels good, and you will be respected if you do it.
  • If she thinks you're an asshole, she won't tell you, she'll just avoid you.
  • Don't complain when working hard. Just work hard and do what needs to be done and you will appear to be a person who both accomplishes things and works hard, easily and naturally.

That's my first post! I hope someone found this to be a fun read or enlightening in some way.