Only have had one relationship that was long distance (I know this was before I came across this subreddit). 22 now. She cheated on me (Of course, but when you feel isolated and think you find someone that cares about you, you don't think logically). Felt numb for a long time and didn't care much for women. I am not close with my family and have had depression/anxiety issues since high school (no need for sympathy, this is to provide background on me and how I act). Put my trust into a girl 1000 miles away and her cheating on me devastated me to the point where I was almost physically unable to work anymore.

Fast forward 2 years. After becoming numb, I didn't give a fuck about women. I acted however I wanted to act. This inadvertently gave me a really strong frame. I didn't really give a fuck about sex and women sensed my non-neediness and blunt attitude and it attracted some of them but I don't pursue them because I think they're all lying whores like my ex. I basically sabotage myself and don't pursue sex just so these women don't get the satisfaction of having "won" me over. It's fucked up.

Get a new job, of course here is another girl that is attracted to my IDGAF about women frame. Although this girl was kind of different, she was bubbly, radiant and lights up the room when she walks in. (I know, oneitis, whatever). She shit tests me over and over again and I pass with flying colors because I still have my IDGAF attitude from my ex. I am actually getting slightly warm to this girl and actually let her pursue me. (she was the one offering to hang out/buy me food). She is actually really funny and seems really cool and I begin to like her (still didn't have oneitis, but I did like her). Something seems off though, she seems to feel guilty for hanging out with me. I do some digging and realize she has a boyfriend. I immediately cut her off without explanation because I see her as my lying whore ex. I eventually leave the job I had with her partly due to this. Over heard from a coworker that me leaving "broke her heart". Deep down in my ice cold soul, a candle starts to burn feeling sorry for being so blunt with her.

Do some more digging and found out she was pretty self aware of her hypergamy and felt guilty. Her boyfriend was boring her and she saw me as "new and exciting". Looking back, I see it as simply human to try to fulfill one's needs if they're not being met and feel guilty for how harshly I cut her off. Like I said, she seemed like she had a heart of gold. Which is all the more reason I cut her off so harshly.

After three months of having left the job, my boss contacts me saying they are understaffed and need people. I hear things have been rocky with her boyfriend ever since I left (I possibly alpha widowed her without even dating?). I, having feeling guilty for being so harsh plan on being warm and understanding towards her having had so much time to think.

Too late. The warm radiant girl that I left was no more. She seemed more jaded. She seemed more irritable. She acted like somebody who had their heart torn to shreds. She was warm to me still but I knew it was all an act.

She was just trying to be happy. She was really sweet and had a good heart. Her boyfriend wasn't fulfilling her needs and I guess she saw me as someone who did.

I just wish she could see the light in her eye again. It has faded and I'm so scared that the world will never be able to experience someone as bubbly and radiant as the person she used to be. Guys are just out looking to fuck her because she is cute but she knew that I wasn't one of those guys out just looking to fuck. She knew that I actually liked her. I actually felt connected to somebody after having not been for so long. (do not give a fuck how beta/oneitis this sounds)

We can't have it both ways. We can't have the loyal feminine type of girl who will stay committed to you no matter what along with the plates who give away sex so easily. All this game shit. All this sexual strategy stuff. I don't give a fuck about it. At the moment, I could not give less of a fuck about my biological need to place my dick inside of a vagina.

She tried so hard to hang out with me after I cut her off. I just wish I would have accepted and went with her for ice cream or on the Ferris wheel. Maybe then she would still have the light in her eye.

I drive home from work at night the first day after I realize she's changed. I realize that the person she was is maybe dead forever. This song comes on the radio https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPjJZRWAqkE

I break down like a little bitch. Completely break down and punch my steering wheel wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel empty.

There you have it. A story of self sabotage from a fucked up person.

Did I also mention I'm a virgin?

I don't know what's wrong with me.