Summary (kindly excuse spelling and grammar mistakes, english is not my first language)

Spent Saturday attempting to pick up some free furniture with monogamous partner of about 6 months. Topic of leadership in the context of the relationship had come up, so for some entertainment and study, I let her make all the decisions.

Body

This past Saturday, I spent over at my partners place. We had made plans to pick up some furniture, free, from a big town about an hours drive away.

We'd recently talked about leadership in our relationship, whom was in charge and made the decisions, some boundaries and so forth. She kept spouting equality, equal responsibility and power, the usual tripe from current north american media. I kept nodding, smiling and not taking her seriously.

That morning, I wanted to have a bit of fun, see what would happen, if, by some miracle, I did not guide, steer, or voice any suggestions. I told her "Today, you are in charge, you make the decisions."

She was pleasantly surprised and very happy with this.

We get up - late - and head into town. On the ride there, she falls asleep and misses a major traffic jam, which slowed us even more. As she woke up, she received a text from the owner of the furniture, asking ETA.

"How far away are we?" I smile pleasently, put my hand on her thigh for a moment and tell her we are running late due to traffic. We would arrive roughly 45 minutes are we originally expected.

She grunts and tap taps away an answer into her phone, promptly sinking back into a sea of facebook and buzzfeed.

A few minutes later, she pipes up "KBA, if we do not pull over into a McDonalds or something, I'll piss myself."

We go to a mcdonalds, i wait for 20 minutes while she uses the facilities, we arrive at the owners house even later.

We pull up, meet the owner, a pleasant lady of late middle age. Polite, somewhat out of shape, lonely I would have guessed, from all the chatter and polite conversation we made. We go into her place and look at the cabinets and TV.

Immedieatly, there is a problem. The lady had guessed measurements, not actually measured them. Width was remarkably accurate, but depth was off by about 8 inches and height of the cabinet was off by almost a foot. I drive a mid sized hatchback. These cabinets would not fit.

My partner stands awkwardly, asking questions such as, "Can't it just stick out the trunk?" - not safely, no.

She surprises me and hands me a multi tool, asking if we could dissassemble this cabinet. I take a look, and an aquantaince of the owner, a middle aged man, tall and stick thin, very condescending, comes to join the mix.

In the end, it turns out the cabinets are finished with a stapled on cardboard backing - surprising, as they were made of solid wood and good nuts and bolts otherwise.

For those of us with few experiences in this domain, removing a cardboard/cork backing what has been stapled on will often damage the backing to the point of requiring a replacement piece.

My partner in the mean time was searching for a replacement ride - none availible - and being xhattered at by the owner - pleasant if without substance.

I stand back and smile, letting her deal with things. I have worked as a bouncer in my youth, fading into the background and waiting are an old skill to me.

Over the course of the next half hour, she contacts 4 people, getting no enthusiastic reply from any of them. She asks me for help, but I only offer up another un reliable aquaintance of ours, to which we both laugh a little.

Before she breaks into tears, I say that the cabinets will not fit, and we have no ride at this time. We thank the lady for her time and the old Tv unit she gave us and left.

On the ride home, my partner broke down. She was crying about how she felt terrible, how she felt everyone was staring at her, waiting for her to make decisions placing expectations on her. I smiled softly and consoled her a bit. I asked what she wanted to do now.

"I don't want to make any more decisions! You choose!"

"But you are in charge today Darling!" I jokingly reply.

"No. I don't want to make any more decisions. I want to spend time with you tonight. Choose what gives you the most spoons (mental energy) and least stress."

The evening was spent with some boardgames with a friend, good food and some slow, lazy sex. A good consolidation, and an entertaining end.

I thought that was all the entertainment to reap from this. I was wrong. When I asked her via text message on my way home, how she enjoyed yesterday and if she liked being in charge, she replied vehemently.

"I wasn't in charge. Nobody listened to me or what I was saying."

"Oh no, you were not in charge of the room. I put you in charge of Us, of our decisions, but to be in charge of room, you need to take charge."

She replied with another diatribe of how there is no one in our relationship in charge, how we made joint decisions with equal responsibility and how it was offensive and hateful to bring this up.

Lessons learned

  • Being in charge is not enjoyable.
  • Responsibility is awful.

Lessons I learned.

  • Some pleasant surprises, she had some tools and self awareness.
  • Gently steering makes us happier than her trying to guide us, even when, no, especially when she is oblivious.