Been hitting up the numbers on dating websites pretty hard lately. You get a metric shit ton of flakes and things that go nowhere, but if you screen hard, you can avoid wasting too much time. Been talking to a girl who actually seemed pretty into it, and after some maneuvering managed to get her to come directly to my place to meet up last night. Basically under the premise that we'd watch a movie. This girl was shit tests galore:

Me: What part of town do you live in?

Her: [answers with general location]

Her: What about you?

Me: [general location]

Her: That's far

Me: Specifically: [my exact address]

Me: Yeah it is

Her: Haha um why'd you give me your address?

Me: So you know how to get there. Addresses you know

Her: Hahahaha

Her: Is this for Tuesday?

Me: I haven't thought very far ahead

Her: Then why do I need to know how to get to your place?

Me: I forget, you hate horror movies, right?

Her: I don't hate them but I don't necessarily like them either.

Me: Tough cookie. There's a movie called Rec 2 that I want to watch, you should see it with me

Me: Maybe Tuesday

Her: Umm what is it?

Me: Scary

Her: Uugggggghhhhhhhhhhh lol

Me: Might be too much for your southern self

Her: Haha it might be

Her: But I'll try it

Bam. Held (text) frame through that crap. The next day I told her to wear a cheerleader outfit, and she said she didn't have some but she could wear sexy lingerie.

Now at this point, a logical person would assume that's an invitation to have sex. But, of course, when she showed up she acted like she had no intention of sleeping with me. She showed up and said she was hungry and wanted to get Chinese food. I said we're not getting chinese food, but I'm about to make popcorn. She complained for a little bit but I stayed firm and cooked my popcorn. She should have eaten before she got here.

First Attempt:

Anyway at one point while she's saying something about Chinese food I grab her and kiss her. She kiss me back hard for a second or two and then pulls away.

Her: Wait... I'm confused

Me: [Returning attention to opening popcorn] Don't be confused

Her: No but I am, what did that have to do with Chinese food?

Me: Nothing

Her: No but like, why? I don't see the connection

She must have gone on for 2 minutes trying to get me to explain why I kissed her while we were talking about Chinese food. I did not budge an inch. I finished making my popcorn, grabbed her hand, and say her down on my couch. She said something about "how can you just kiss someone you don't even know yet?" I said I don't think about it that way and changed the subject.

Second Attempt:

We started talking and watching the movie, and I escalated to full tickle fight as soon as I found out she has sensitive toes.

Me: where else are you ticklish?

Her: Staring at me

Me: [Licks finger and runs down boob]

Her: Oh my god.

Me: I need to get it out of my system [Squeeze tits]

Her: My god you're a child

I pull her in and start licking her breasts. She doesn't seem to mind. I move up to her neck and she starts moaning. She shuts me down almost immediately after that.

This is how the night went. I'd try something, she'd let it go a little bit further each time

Third Attempt:

This time she leaned back and I got on top of her. My dick has black hole density at this point, and she feels it. Lucky for me, I have a dig bick and it tends to be a pretty good talking point

Her:Oh my god! How big are you?!

Me: Wanna see? [puts hand on dick]

Her: Oh my god!

Me: Have you ever had one that big before?

Her: No, that would, like, split me open (yes that's what she said)

I take my dick out of my shorts and put her hand on it. At this point I know there's very little I could do to fuck this up, because now she's curious what it'll feel like. At some point she slows me down and says we need to take it slow. I disengage and we finish the movie.

After the movie is over, she says she needs to calm down with a disney movie (the ending was pretty harrowing). Then she complains that I haven't shown her the upstairs.

It's on now, bitches.

Fourth Attempt:

When I give her the tour of my room I throw her on the bed. From her it goes pretty well, she keeps saying shit like 'we shouldn't do this' bla bla bla 'you move fast' bla bla bla but she's grabbing my dick at the same time. She let's me touch her under her panties this time, and when I think she's hot enough I use a trick I learned from a real player. She was rejecting the idea of blowing me, so:

Me: [taking dick out] Do you have any spit?

Her: What?

Me: Do you have any spit? [holding hand to her mouth]

She spits in my hand and I use to jack off in front of her. This narrows the gap between HJ and BJ enough so now she doesn't really care for some reason, and starts blowing. From there it was only a minute till "do you have a condom?" came up.

Afterwards she kept trying to hint that she doesn't do this sort of thing, in a really hamfisted way. She said something along the lines of "well! I can't say I've ever done THAT my first time meeting someone before!"

She's a filthy liar. Anyway, that's my graphic-ass field report.

EDIT: A small index of all the shit-tests she threw me throughout the night:*

"What was that about?" (the kiss) Solution: "I wanted to kiss you". Changed the subject when she persisted

"How can you kiss someone you don't even know?" Solution: "I don't think about it like that". Changed subject

"This is going too fast, we need to slow down" Solution: "I know, right?" kept escalating till she stopped me. Freeze out. Rinse, repeat.

"I'm not doing that, you have to earn it first" [She said this probably 3 times throughout the night, first to the kiss, then to touching my dick, then to putting my dick in her mouth. It was very clear to me that this is a response she had thought out ahead of time. Possibly one of her "rules of how I behave when I'm on dates with boys" similar to the 3 date rule. However, like all of those rules, it's completely meaningless and can be bypassed] Solution: "..." ignored and kept escalating

"Why is it so important to you to do that (sex) so soon?" Solution: I totally forget what I said. She asked this multiple times as well. I'm pretty sure I straight up ignored it and bullshat something like "aww babe you know I'm not like that" (disingenuously)

"How many girls have you had in here?" Solution: "Oh no, I'm a virgin. Straight up you're the first girl I've talked to in 3 years.