I sub to /r/relationships. To see how the advice they give over time changes. It’s fun. Also for the lulz from time to time.

I realized something today in a moment of clarity.

A very common piece of advice they give is as follows:

‘Use the “When you do X I feel Y” ‘ model when a man has an issue with something his SO does.

Something about that didn’t see right. Logically, it made sense. You didn’t want to put someone on the defensive when your aim was to start a discussion. Perfect. This seems like less of an attack on them and should make them more receptive.

BUT THIS IS NOT A DISCUSSION. THIS IS BOUNDARY SETTING. YOU DO NOT PLAY AROUND FOR THE FEEELZ WHEN YOU SET BOUNDARIES.

The heart of the matter is in the uncomfortable phrasing.

“When you do X” – doesn’t raise an issue with the action per se

“I feel Y” – Passive, not assertive in the least. 

The biggest problem isn’t even this. It’s simply that, with this one sentence, you are acknowledging HER frame as the dominant one. You are telling the big kid “when you move to your left I don’t have space” in a tiny voice. No. You say, “move, I need more space, or i’m finding another bench”. The “when you do X” part subtly acknowledges that her frame of doing X is dominating over your frame of being uncomfortable with X. Little kids or people without authority generally talk in this manner. You’re the damn leader, set her straight. Tell her “I do not like when you do this.” or “I am disappointed that you would behave in this manner”. Much more in control. Not controlling, IN CONTROL. You are master of yourself and your own ship.

The advice given is bad in that it advises men to fight from within the woman's frame. Whereas the problem is he faces is essentially because he's not leaving it.