Summary

Don't do it for other people, do it for YOU.

Body

This is my story of about one year, going from a "happily" married guy to an aspiring alpha. In between these I was a cuckolded husband and a regular AFC. I'm of course using a throwaway account for this, but it's not the end of the world if someone recognizes or decides to track me down. At first I thought about writing to AskTRP but then I realized that I know exactly what I have to do, and that I just have to do it. In addition, I have added some excerpts from my daily diary to this post to reflect my mental state during each period.

So, about a year ago I took some drugs, had a "revelation" and decided to make a better man out of myself. I have thought about this before - I was very interesting in the Stoic writings and ideas. I had already started utilizing negative visualization in my life for a few years. After the "revelation" I decided to start meditating. I also ran into this fantastic method on Reddit where you start habits (or try to quit ones) and track your progress daily in order to get "streaks" of days, weeks and even months and it worked wonders for me.

Back to my marriage - my wife couldn't stand me. She never said, but looking back I can finally see that. The last year she was literally hoping that I would either die or just leave her, as she didn't have the balls to do it. After I had my awakening, she despised me even more. I wasn't watching shitty weight loss TV shows with her but doing something to improve myself. I have always been pretty fit and been regularly going to the gym for about 8 years now so she was used to me being fit. But me being more calm, more in control with my feelings... this shit, this she couldn't stand.

One night we went on a gig with my sister and my wife. My wife knew the band, and she really liked their music. She also fancied their singer, who was this natural charmer (or a red piller, maybe?). Very handsome, very charismatic and by the end of the night when I had already left, very into my wife. They started talking "about music" daily on social media and my wife started to alienate herself from me more and more, as I was delving into the world of stoicism and peace (or so I thought). After about three months of this we decided to go visit my sister abroad. This was her idea, and surprisingly the musician also lived in this same country. So of course she suggested that she would go and visit this musician and they would play some music together and she would be featuring on their gig. Being the clueless piece of shit I was, I agreed, saying that I don't like it but that I can't stop her.

We visited my sister, I left and she went to see the alpha. And of course they fucked. I found this out after I accidentally (really!) read some of their social media messages after he had tried calling her 6 times one night while my wife was out partying with her friend. I was crushed, packed my stuff and moved to my friend. From my journal:

This is the day when I left my wife for cheating me. I will still try to do my habits, because life goes on. (I did all my habits)

Gonna watch 15 minutes of psychology and go to sleep. Habits keep me sane during these dark times.

Read a very good psychology study today. Lots of mourning, sadness and confusion in my life right now, but I just need to try to stay positive.

I made the mistake of sending angry messages to my wife over social media. She wanted a divorce, she didn't give a shit about me any more. Not any point was she begging me back or suggesting that we should try again. There wasn't any divorce rape and we made an agreement of me getting all our savings (did I tell that she hadn't worked a day in a real job during our 7 year relationship?) and she would get the house that she had bought with the money she got as a legacy.

At this point I should say that almost from the beginning our sex life was only mediocre. I mean, the act itself when it happened, was great. It just didn't happen that often. All that was actually because of me. From the tender age of 13 I had been exposed to large doses of pornography and fantasies of hot women giving me the perfect sex. This made vanilla sex feel plain and boring, like a chore. I also suffered of ED from time to time, and was generally shit in bed. My wife on the other hand loved and craved sex. So, I don't really blame her for despising me knowing how important all this was to her.

Anyway, the day after I had left her I started Tindering. After a while I got matched to this cute girl and we started talking daily. Then we went on a date. It was new, it was refreshing. She was very funny and cocky, a bit tomboyish but still very attractive and sexy. On the fourth date I got to third base and I felt that everything was going well. Except it wasn't, as I was still that beta loser I was during and before my marriage. So she took the masculine and commanding role in our relationship, I made her food and gave her backrubs and in return got sex. After our first fooling around I decided to try to stay away from porn and masturbation for good (yeah, right). I managed to pull off a 23 day streak with no porn or masturbation. It was really easy as I now had steady flow of pussy to replace all that. Some excerpts from the journal during this time:

Finished early because I'm meeting a friend later. Didn't sleep much last night.

Moving and dating day again, so my schedule is quite tight. I’m really, really tired.

Date night again, so I wanted to finish early.

Date night, what a surprise. Will have a break from that after tonight. Nothing worth mentioning, been raining all day.

Fast forward three months, we are fighting all the time over petty stuff. I'm emotional, I'm needy and I am an emotional wreck. We have a lot of make up sex during the nights and I'm exhausted at work because of all the fighting and not sleeping. Yet I'm obsessed, "I need to be with this girl, she COULD be the one!". Oh, and I also have ED trouble with this girl. Can't keep the connection between upstairs and downstairs for long enough, just can't do it. My streak had ended after she stood me up and I resorted to porn and wanking on a lonely night. Of course after a while she left me. Said it was about the constant arguing, but I think we all know what were the real reasons. Journal:

Okay, so the worst just happened. You got dumped, again.

But I had already started rationalizing things in my head:

And no, there was nothing you could do about it. She had started thinking about this way before yesterday. She already knew, and she had already talked about it to her friends (like women do). It was not because you got mad few days back, it's a sum of many things - your inability to perform in bed, your phase-out episodes, the difference between the personalities of you two, and so on. She's feeling like shit, but not as bad as you, because she's started handling the situation beforehand, just like Y. And yes, she means it when she says that she cares about you - only not in that passionate way. She likes you, but not enough to be in a relationship with you. You couldn't keep the grip, because of your faults and differences. Now it's time to fix those faults, so that IF you meet a nice girl in the future, you can be better person to her and to yourself. Get a grip.

Notice that this was before I had read anything on the red pill. But I still had too many beta qualities, as you can see from these short writings:

Also got a message from X, telling about her shitty feelings about the breakup. Replied to her like a good sheep, but no reply. But she feels better now, at least.

That fucking message is still haunting me BAD.

I sent a message to X telling about my feelings about her, and she started talking with me, basically saying that the breakup was a mistake. She got really jealous when I told about Y and her breakup and how we are consoling each other. She’s still this annoying manipulator who is probably used to getting her way with people.

It was a tough break up. She sent me messages, telling me that she misses me and is sorry that we can't be together. Being the weak fuck, I replied with "I wish we could still be together" and "If things weren't so complicated" and "I felt like we could've had a future together". But fortunately, as one of my habits I had been reading (or studying in general). I made myself read about 20 pages daily on various subjects. I started reading "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, some classic posts on SoSuave and finally all the top posts on theRedPill. Slowly I was starting to realize the reality I was living in.

And I felt enlightened, I knew what I had to do. I had to change. For me this was a mental struggle, not a physical one. I was already fit, I already had a nice wardrobe (bought one after the divorce) and my personal hygiene was up to par. So in many ways, I was already ahead of many here. But my mind was in shambles. I was obsessing over women and always fell for the oneitis trap. I wasn't doing shit for me, I was doing it for THEM. You know why my 23 day NoFap streak ended? Because I did it for her. As soon as she let me down, I broke down. My mindset was set to "please women" instead of "please myself".

I still meditate 30 minutes daily. I also write a daily journal, writing down my thoughts and feelings. I REALLY recommend this. Writing stuff on your computer or on paper is much better way to deal with them than just going over them in your head. I practice foreign language, practice handstand, attend couples dancing classes, start guitar lessons and read at least those 20 pages every day (currently reading "The Charisma Myth" and "The 48 Laws of Power"). I now try to work on my demeanour and how I express myself. I'm also learning to live my life alone. This is probably the most difficult task of them all, as I'm used to being with someone. But I can do it, I know it. I now have the tools and the mindset to accomplish this.

As a conclusing, I have to stay that women are still not all over me. I barely get any attention from the ladies. But that's not important, what's important is that now I know why I'm doing this. By the way, it's my 15th day without porn or masturbation and I'm going for 60.

Lessons learned

  • If you do things only for other people, you are likely to fail. Do everything for yourself
  • Only way to overcome loneliness is by being alone
  • Healthy habits are the way for a healthy life and a healthy mind