I have longed to return to the object of my obsession, my former girlfriend, the target of my oneitis, because within that relationship I allowed myself to surrender. Emotional surrender is a comfortable delusion and is a sign of decadence, which has its root in the word decay.

The delusion that I'm speaking of takes the form of being exempt from the responsibilities of life and ultimately of death's mastery over it. In my relationship with my former girlfriend, I made a habit of having sex with her and then falling asleep utterly satisfied. It's this comatose state of giving in on a daily base that formed my addiction to her, and my addiction has nothing to do with longing for her as a person, but is instead another chemical dependency I built over time like any other addict.

This delusion is rooted in the longing to be exempt. Waking up comes from focusing on the truth that none of us are or ever can be exempt. This leads to a life of self responsibility, like a man tied to a horse who chooses to run with it and ultimately murder the rider to take the reigns. Either that or get dragged to death behind it.