Over the past 7 months I've been dealing with the aftermath of learning what ONEitis is, finding TRP, reading book 1 of Rational Male, and beginning my journey to understanding my value. My "one" went from being my closest friend(zone) to the driving force behind my transformation. Over time and with the help of all this theory, I stopped paying women with my attention and value. Instead I paid more attention to my self-worth and who I was willing to give my value to.

My game was decent, I was happy where I was. At my peak I was going on 3 dates a week, and despite what we all like to believe it did help me re-evaluate my self-worth. My "one" was trying to gaslight me, rewrite history with my friends, and a whole litany of other texts and manipulations. At first I didn't want it to matter because I was mad. Then I stopped caring because of plate theory. Eventually I wasn't even thinking about her anymore.

A few weeks ago, she came back to me with lots of apologies, words of regret, and some ego stroking (along with a handwritten letter of grief and sorrow). I had thought I was past the 5 phases and my self worth was at an all time high. I thought "what could possibly go wrong, my game is the tightest it's been and I'm ready for whatever shit-test is thrown my way". The truth is I wanted a cathartic experience: I wanted to bang her and realize the finality of my journey. That's when I lost the game.

Instead what I ended up realizing is that I was in the bargaining phase, and I was trying to re-establish a connection with the old me. I thought I could realize a middle ground, some kind of happy medium where I could embrace my old self while being my new self. So I asked her out.

During the date I had several moments of cognitive dissonance: she would avoid responsibility, rehash old topics I thought were over, and insist on bringing up past emotional strain. It felt like I was done playing a game she has been playing in her mind for 7 months. She tried to manipulate some empathy out of me, and it damn near worked. Never in my life did I so clearly see what emotional power women had over me, and how easily I could fall right back into a devastating cycle of ignorance: give her your heart and she will love you for it, right?

I was so disgusted with where I was sitting, what I was listening to, and where I had put myself. I'm ashamed to say it took an hour for me to call for the cheque and leave, but it was a hard decision to make. At least when you spin plates you get what you want. There is no golden ratio of love, adoration, and sex. There is no friendship and lust. There is no honor or loyalty. The game doesn't even seem worth playing anymore.

I've thought about it a while and I now understand what the late, great Patrice O'Neal meant when he said to take an L. The L, for the uninformed, is a "Loss". I always felt the loss was an emotional "fuck it, I'm gonna bang a bunch of other chicks!" What it turns out to be (at least to me) is an emotional eject button. It doesn't feel good to know that this is how it has to be. In fact it kinda sucks, but there really is no better way to protect yourself.

I write this because I finally understand the 5 phases, and thought this might be helpful to those still in it. I haven't reached acceptance because right now I'm just disillusioned and have lost hope in the fabled "search for the one". Stop fucking looking.

Give her your heart and she will tie it to a stick. Thanks for reading.