So; I'm one of your standard university beta-fags. For now. A small, scrawny guy but with a surprising amount of strength.

I was reading "Confessions of a reformed Incel" a few minutes ago. I've read a few other articles before, but this one really hit home, and it hit hard. There's a list of thoughts that were going through a guy's head after he had been figuratively knocked down, and the second bullet point is:

"Even the ones who ‘like’ you don’t want you."

A bit of background: About ten years ago I was turned down by a girl very emotionally violently, so to say. I got teased by the whole goddamn class, and I even heard a remark about it in a past meeting from one of the "Alphas" of our class. That was in primary school, grade 5 or 6. Thank god school ended soon afterwards. Anyway, I haven't had any kind of relationship after that.

I have very few female friends. By far the closest and truest is my 2nd cousin, she's a couple years younger and successful in all ways. We have a chat group with one other person and we chat around almost every day, have been doing so for years. I hadn't seen her for about two months, and went for a visit. We talked about everyday things, walked her dog for four miles and sat down for a cup of coffee.

I live in Finland, and around the last week of April all students have a huge celebration that lasts for the entire week, called "Vappu." I was given a "Hug Card" by some random person. It's basically a card that you give to someone in exchange for a hug, and it has some funny lines about comfort before exams etc.

I gave the card to her with a smirk, she gave it back and just said that I don't need a card to get a hug from her.

I stood up at that, but she remained sitting. Soon after her parents arrived and I left.

I haven't been touched purposefully by a woman of my age since Christmas. I wont lie, I was devastated at that moment and she probably noticed even though I tried to keep it in.

I'm by no means a weak person, few are in here due to things such as conscription, and I grew up in a rural area anyway. I've got my fair share of scars from tools, chemical burns form AIV, getting body parts stuck in machinery, including 8.5 ton cannons, and other shit.

But the truth hurt more than all of those. Just how pathetic am I?