She Does What She Wants

Submitter's Note: I found this at a dormant blog called Alpha Is Assumed, at Wordpress. Interesting read.

You will hear women tell you variations on their stories of how they never wanted their lives to turn out the way they did. They didn’t want to wait so long to marry. It was never their intent to rack up their double digit Ns. They have always wanted to be wives and mothers, but things just never worked out. The vagaries of time and circumstance never aligned in their favor for one reason or another.

It always comes out something like this:

I have always wanted to be a wife and mom, but I just couldn’t find a good enough man.

I didn’t mean to sleep with all those men. I was drunk/was high/had low self esteem.

I didn’t want it to turn out this way, it just kinda did.

I wanted to get married, but I was just a piece of ass to them. I guess they didn’t ask me because they just wanted to have sex with me.

I made a lot of mistakes in my past.

When you hear a woman begin to spin tales to excuse, explain and rationalize her past to you, remember this:

We live in a society which has been almost completely reordered over the past 50 years to maximize women’s freedom and options. Since about 1960, American women have been more free and have had more options than at any other time in history. Her freedom of speech and association is near-absolute. She can do and say whatever she wants, wherever and whenever she wants. There are men with fists, tasers, billy clubs and guns who are just a yell or a phone call away who will arrive posthaste to enforce those rights at any time.

She is free to go to school, live with her parents or on her own, and get a job. She has her own livelihood and can do with it whatever she wishes.

She can have sex (or not) with whoever she wants. She can determine the kinds of relationships she is willing to have and with whom she will have them. Birth control is cheap, safe, effective, widely available and easy to use. There are no societal sanctions or restrictions whatsoever on any woman to prevent or avoid premarital or extramarital sex. She can choose not to have sex with her husband; can choose to stop having sex with him at any time she wants. No pastor, no judge, no family member will tell her to have sex with her husband against her wishes or desires. The only conjugal rights a man has within marriage are those his wife decides to give him.

For years, women have been screaming from every rooftop and every media outlet that they are fully personally responsible for their own lives. They are fully autonomous; they have complete and total personal agency in every conceivable area of their lives: moral, legal, rational and decisional. This is the society and culture that women fought for, and won.

Remember that a woman’s past is the sum total of her decisions and choices. There are no “mistakes”, there are only decisions. From same night lays to ex husbands, she had sex with the men in her past because she made the choice to do so. If she is not having sex, it’s because that’s what she wants. A single woman is such because she doesn’t want to be married.

It is not a chemical substance’s fault that she is having sex. No one poured it down her throat, put it in her lungs or shoved it up her nose. She did that all by herself. If she is having consensual sex while drunk, the booze freed up her inhibitions, just gave her that little push to do what she wanted and intended. Even while intoxicated, people don’t tend to do things they don’t want or intend to do. Intoxication does not absolve her from responsibility for her conduct behind the wheel of a car; it should not relieve her of the consequences of a decision to get busy with a guy. No matter her mental state, she is free at any time to say “no, I don’t want to do this” and BY LAW her erstwhile paramour must stop or he will see the inside of a jail cell for a number of years after the aforesaid men with guns arrive to crack open his skull.

It’s not her lack of self esteem. Her friends are not requiring her to have sex. Nor is any good looking player forcing her into that bedroom. She could have chosen any number of other things to boost her self-worth and self regard. She chose sex and sexual validation. That’s her choice and her decision to make; she is free to make it; and no one can stop her from making it.

Her having sex with a guy who “done her dirty” was not a “mistake”. It was a judgment call, a choice, a decision; the responsibility for which is fully hers and hers alone.

She can’t blame the charming cad or the good looking player. Ultimately, she made the decision to sleep with the man. Her body, her choice. In the final analysis, she’s the sex gatekeeper. When it’s all said and done, her decision to sleep with the player is on HER, not him.

She is single not because there are no good, available, marriageable men. She is single because she doesn’t want to marry any of the available marriageable men, isn’t attracted to such men. She is single because she prefers that to marriage to any man other than a top man. Or, she is single because she had a good man and (70 to 80% chance) chose to end the marriage or forced an end to it. It is only when her options starkly disappear that she will change her heart and mind.

So when she tells you her sexual history, lays it out for you, and then ratchets up the excuse machine, remember that she’s not a victim of circumstance. Things worked out the way they did because of HER choices. Her past is what it is because of her decisions. She had sex with each of those prior men because she wanted to. She had sex with them because she made the decision, made the choice, to have sex with them. She isn’t married because that’s the life she has chosen for herself.

She made the choice to get drunk, to get high, to party. She made the choice to use her sexual power to serve her own purposes: to boost her self-esteem, for validation, for affirmation, for a sense of belonging. She could have chosen other things to elevate her own self-regard and worth. She didn’t. She chose sex.

She made the choice to have sex with the top men instead of pursuing commitment from a good man. She could have chosen to hold out for marriage. She didn’t. She preferred sex with a top man now over commitment from a more stable, more attainable man later.

No one made those choices for her. She, and she alone, made them. The decisions, and the consequences that flow from them, are on her.

Her life turned out the way it did because she chose it.