tl;dr: You made a mistake and got married or into an LTR you really don't want out of. You can't just next her. Now what?

Body:

I got married before I found TRP. Let's get that out of the way first. I cannot disagree with anyone else's advice about don't-get-married. So if you're not married, don't do it. This is for those who made that mistake already. Everything I will write here is something I've done recently. If you're in an LTR you think is a net positive, maybe you could try some of these things instead of next'ing her.

Numero Uno: The Dance Club.

There is the saying "don't be the old dude in the dance club." It's true to an extent. A lot of old dudes I see at the clubs I think are rather pathetic. But I find a great deal of utility in the dance club. It's a pretty big net win for me.

First, it's reasonable exercise. Don't get a VIP table or go to a club with seating. Try a 75%/25% mix of dance floor and bar. 0% sitting down. Move around. Jump with the music. Twirl your woman. Make her jump on the beat, and lift her up so her jump is 3-5 seconds long. Grind her ass. If you're not fit, you'll die here. So stay fit.

Second, it lets you play subtle low-key dread game. Dance with other women. Get them to take pics of you and your woman. Get your woman to take pics of you and the other women. Any woman who continues to dance close to you, interact with in at least some minor way.

What your girl will say/do: I was jealous when those girls wanted more pics with you than the one you asked for. I was jealous when that girl kept dancing near you and bumping in to you. I was jealous when you talked to that girl and she gave you her drink.

What you will do: validate her jealousy. Yes, dear, you're right. Those girls did want me. And I know you think it's bad to feel jealous, but it's okay. Feel it, but don't act on it. I am attractive to women, but I won't cheat on you with them, because you love me, and you prove it to me every day.

What she will do: feel the dread and act on it. In my case, after the dance club outing, we were driving to get food, and she said "I want to suck you off now," and then she did. This is your measure that you did things correctly.

Numero dos: the Strip Club.

Take her to a strip club. Pick a classy joint, with hot girls. Your girl doesn't want to see fat tattooed sluts. She wants to see extremely hot women naked. She will say she doesn't. She does. Frame it as you're doing her a favor.

  • You're showing her how to act sexy.
  • You know she has "those tendencies and feelings" and you want her to be able to act on them.
  • She can tell the girls to do whatever she wants.

Note: do not let your girl wear a bra or panties, and have her wear a form-fitting dress with a skirt. This isn't all-important, but it will increase the fun.

When you have an attractive girl on your arm in a strip club, you need to be more assertive. You actually have to make eye contact with strippers and/or signal them over. Most men who take a girl to a strip club are doing it wrong, and get in trouble if they interact with the stripper. You are not most men. Your goal is specifically to interact with the strippers a bit.

Get the stripper to sit on your lap (not hard at all). Get the conversation involving all three of you. If a lap dance must be had, make sure that it's either with both of you or with your girl alone. No need to get a lap dance from a stripper and leave your girl alone. She knows the score, no dread will be had.

The best is of course a three-person lap dance. Sit on the bottom, put your girl on your lap. Command the stripper to be extremely bold with your woman. Especially helpful to tell the stripper straight up your woman likes girls and wants to be touched a lot. It doesn't matter if your girl overhears this, but it can be more fun if she doesn't. It's amusing when my girl isn't expecting another girl to aggressively fondle her breasts and pussy.

During the lap dance, make friendly happy eye contact with the stripper. All the normal flirting body language applies. Most strippers will, upon noticing this, also pay some attention to you. This is your actual goal.

What your girl will feel: my man sees all these hot women, and when he commands them to do something, they do it even though I'm with him. When he gives them money to concentrate on me, they still do something for him. I'm jealous, even though I shouldn't be.

The strip club is low-level dread game. As long as you make it fun (typically I like to go with another couple or two), it feels social, light, and fun. The obvious money-for-attention angle means you need to do subtle things to make it seem the strippers want you for more than your money. Even if your girl consciously knows 100% of everything going on, subconsciously there will be a bit of dread and jealousy.

Numero tres: Her Girlfriends.

Keep things flirty and fun with her girlfriends. When you're out with a group, spend a little extra time photographing them or talking with them. Tell them how to run their romantic life. This is gaming skills on hard mode. Your goal is to gain attraction with the girl friends enough that they enjoy your company and continue being vaguely flirtatious, but not enough that they start to think "Am I making his wife mad?"

This is an extremely tough line to walk, but you should always err on the side of going a bit too far. Your goal is for your wife to be jealous and confront you later. Remember, this is dread game we're playing.

What your girl will feel: he is powerful enough to flirt with my girlfriends, and they react positively. If I wasn't around, he'd snag one in a minute. But why is he doing this to me? I'm jealous.

She will probably pick a fight with you after this one. Keep your poise and frame. Validate her feelings: "Yes, you are right to be jealous that I was talking with your girlfriend, and jealous of her for flirting with me so obviously, but don't do anything to hurt the relationships! Her friendship is valuable, and I will remain faithful to you, because you show me you love me, and your love is stronger every week." (Unspoken: now show me.)

Numero cuatro: Fights Always Precede Bedroom Revival.

There's a common theme on these things. A woman who experiences dread in a marriage or LTR will manifest the dread as jealousy. This is natural and normal. A fight with your girl must never be preceded by you telling her that her feelings are invalid. HER FEELINGS ARE VALID. She is right to feel jealous, but would be wrong to act on it. She is right to imagine all the horrible things you'll do with that girl at the dance club earlier that night, or the stripper, or her friend. But she definitely should not act on it!

In any of the above situations, when your woman becomes surly and uncommunicative, this is an indication that you're on the right track. I've found the best way to initiate the fight after this telltale sign is to involve some physicality. Pick her up and carry her to the couch. Or give her a bear hug and walk to the couch while maintaining said hug.

If she isn't annoyed by your forcing the talk at this point, you're doing it wrong, or she's not really angry at you.

The talk involves forcing her to admit her feelings: "What's wrong?" -- "Nothing." -- "No. You're angry about something." -- "I'm not." <--repeat this 10 times.

You: Getting Angry (remember, women love an emotional roller-coaster ride, and you are taking them on it). "Fucking goddamn cuss cuss expletive fuck. Something is wrong, and you need to tell me. This relationship is built on mutual respect and by golly we're going to make it good. You owe it to me to talk to me and I owe it to you to listen. Feelz feelz hamster! HAMSTERBALL."

Typically she will open up after you go from concerned to angry. A couple good signs that her emotional shell is breaking and she'll open up to you now: she starts to cry. Whatever she says from this point forward, don't show anger, but understanding and validation. Reward her for opening up. Encourage the talk.

I find a great deal of utility at this point in humor. If you can find something genuinely funny to say and crack yourself up and force her to smile and laugh, then you will have done this with her in a 20-30 minute span:

  1. anger,
  2. introversion,
  3. jealousy,
  4. more anger,
  5. frustration,
  6. impatience,
  7. denial,
  8. more jealousy,
  9. fear/concern,
  10. sadness,
  11. validation,
  12. relief,
  13. joy,
  14. laughter.

If you haven't prepared yourself for a long, loud romp in the bedroom after this, I pity you. Because that's what's next. If your bedroom was a little cold recently, you just set it on fire, and ain't no-one gonna cool this fire down. It's gotta burn out.

Okay. Afterglow. Get on the computer and find some free tickets to another DJ at that shitty mainstream Hollywood club so you can repeat this again next weekend. Don't forget your earplugs. You're a married old man, dude.

Lessons Learned

You can't just go sleep with another woman. Well, actually, you can, but I'm saving talking about that for later when I understand the dynamics of how that's happening. What you can do is introduce some light dread via strippers, girls at the club, and social acquaintances.

All fights lead to a great time in bed. Fights obviously aren't enjoyable, but if you drive the fight through all the necessary stages, it can be at least a neutral experience, and the sex afterward makes up for it. Many fights with your girl involve her being jealous of some situation with another girl or girls. These are the best fights, and they MUST happen occasionally.

I suspect that fights not involving other girls and jealousy are also, on a subconscious level, rooted in dread, but I'm not 100% sure of this. If you guide/drive those fights properly, they also lead to heated and protracted awesome sex. I suspect in that case, the dread is "he didn't act 100% beta for me, why not?" which has the underlying subtext of "he may just leave." These fights are good, but probably not a complete substitute for a fight about jealousy of other girls.