TL;DR – if you subconsciously chase security, you will always remain in mediocrity. Why obsessing over being accepted and labeling ourselves often results in stopping at the bare minimum and lacking motivation to approach women, improve, and grow. Why women typically have more controlling behaviours, and why they find mediocrity unattractive.

I want to talk a bit about the problems of seeing success as binary, and having a safety-obsessed mindset, and how that holds men back.

Binary thinking goes something like this: “I either succeed, or I fail”; “I’m either perfect, or I’m a failure”; “I’m either alpha, or I’m beta”; “I am either accepted, or rejected”. There is no in-between in this frame. This mindset is one of the main reasons why so many guys are terrified to do approaches. Defining yourself as one of two states in a binary spectrum is an indication of a security-obsessed mindset.

The Security Obsession

Growth and improvement is not about “being something”. The only people obsessed with “being something”, are those who believe that the label will give them safety. Being alpha is not a label you are awarded that somehow grants you unconditional security. In fact, obsessing over the alpha label is typical beta behaviour. Alpha is an attitude, where you have freed yourself from external influences that might cause anxiety-motivated goals. Successful men power through failure with consistency because they are not chasing after the warm and secure feeling of success, but rather pursue the limits of potential, and push hard into uncertainty without anxiety of whether people will accept them or the concern of how they will be perceived.

Why you stop improving AKA the “good enough” mindset

Being security-oriented will often cause you to improve until you reach a point of security, which you will then get comfortable in, becoming unwilling to budge from until anxiety catches up once again. Beta men are motivated to take radical action only when they believe something is expected of them – they improve out of anxiety. You must leave that mindset behind. Security obsession is an inherently feminine trait. To cultivate a habit of constant improvement, don’t strive for some goal that you believe will magically alleviate your trauma-induced chronic anxiety – strive for growth, understanding, pushing the limits of what’s possible, and exploring the ever-expanding possibilities of your potential. Go beyond what the normies consider possible and expected. This will make you attractive to both women and men.

The Security Obsession in Women

Consistently anxious people, which includes almost all women and most men, tend to pursue certain goals only because they are convinced that reaching them will finally relieve their ceaseless anxiety – this, however, never really relieves the anxiety, but it’s women’s only way of coping. This is one of the many reasons why women find micromanaging details and controlling other people very enjoyable. It’s why women so often try to control their surrounding in irrational ways – a man’s worst mistake is buying into that method and catering to their whims. Women don’t want that, because the anxiety remains. They desire a man who can go far beyond that. What women want is a man who transcends those petty worries and almost invalidates them, because a woman can admire that “unconcerned with pettiness” attitude.

One way to look at shit tests is as a manifestation of a woman’s anxiety in an attempt to test a secure frame. Most guys here know this. But to add to that, the reason why women are not interested in guys that fail shit tests, is that by doing so, you show her that you are just another security-obsessed normie, stuck in mediocrity like her, and she has enough of that on her own. Men with game are attractive, because they demonstrate they transcend social norms and the influence of public perception, and because of that can live lives that are extraordinary (which implies more intense emotional experiences) – and women want a piece of that.

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If there is one takeaway here, it is that as long as you are trying “not to lose”, you will never achieve anything exceptional, since you will always be stuck on a road to safety. Instead of avoiding losing, aim for winning at the expense of comfort and security. Chasing success as a label means chasing security and safety. Don’t strive for security – strive for transcendence.

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  1. Find out why and in what way you are caught up in adhering to the expectations of others
  2. Free yourself from that concern through mindfulness
  3. Independently determine your purposes, aiming for your personal transcendence, instead of security

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Have a Transcendent day.