How should men deal with finding out their partners were raped? This is some soul-destroying shit, and everywhere else men ask this question the only people replying are hamstering women.

I saw one thread elsewhere where a man's wife is date-raped by an acquaintance, and the grieving husband and father of two asks for advice and gets stampeded by hamsters who say he's a bad person for feeling unhappy about it. The husband said:

My wife was raped (drugged by a "friend", she doesn't remember the event). I need some help finding (online, books, etc) resources for comfort and perspective for myself. We have a very good therapist, and he recommended I google "husbands of rape victims" and I'm really not coming up with anything that helps. Even the well-meaning stuff seems to be focused on...changing rape culture. I do want to help her and support her, but currently it seems like I need help more urgently than she does. My problem is not asking my wife for sex, it's finding it impossible to even imagine sex with anyone ever again, even my own hand, and dealing with all the rage and despair and loss.

The most-popular reply hamstered all over his feelings:

Imagine revealing that you've been violated and that it hurts and that it affects various things in your life, only to have to comfort the person you're telling this to even though the whole point of the conversation was how they can support you? Yeah, it's not fun. ...I think [your horror and disgust] is the first thing that needs to be processed so that you can be free to support your wife as she moves forward from this event. you personally have not lost anything.

From another thread:

I think my previous girlfriends were all sexually assaulted long before meeting me, and lied to me about it. I don't know how to deal with this. They told me some half-truths, and I only put the pieces together about two years ago. I wasn't comfortable asking them to confirm what I suspect because I didn't want to hear a story about how they knew who hurt them but didn't/couldn't punish them. Specifically:

One told me a story about meeting a guy at a fair who "stalked her for years" and "followed her to her apartment".

Another said that her "father was sexually abusive" and later quoted a book about recovering from sexual abuse.

Another, while drunk, told me that she had had sex with a high-school boyfriend in a short-term relationship, even though she was religious and wanted to wait until marriage and had previously told me she had never had sex before meeting me. She also cut off all contact with this guy even though she tried hard to stay friends with other exes.

Another told me she was "groped" while visiting some neighbors who were career criminals, said "nothing's happened to me that would give me panic attacks" even though another time she told me about having panic attacks, and she has a few scars that she never told me what caused them. She also told me about another incident where she was roofied in college but claims nothing sexual happened.

Again, the thread does a big shit in the guy's mind:

Based on things you've said in this post, these women were reluctant to tell you because they sensed that you wouldn't handle it well. And you haven't-- you think they were "lying" by not discussing something with you that first takes trust and is very scary to talk about regardless. AND they were almost certainly picking up on your need to "punish" the person who did it. A vindictive boyfriend is not a good or healthy boyfriend.

I'm looking for some no-bullshit advice. The standard advice given by women is stuff like "it's never her fault!" "a good man would support her!" and generally justifying extracting more resources from non-rapey Betas while doing nothing to fix the underlying problem. As a man it boggles my mind that something like 1 in 8 women are raped, know who did it, and do nothing beyond trying to avoid the guy in the future. I'd expect more people to think through realistic ways to prevent date-rape, like using technology for better monitoring and better equalizing weapons, instead of just focusing on raising awareness and asking nicely. I'd also expect women to consider giving mutually-assured-destruction threats like some men do when there's not an external authority to enforce laws. Power isn't given; it's won, and bullies are cowards.

The standard advice is great: "read the sidebar, exercise and meditate, get fit, and get successful".

I'd also suggest: "sue the guilty guy for all the money he'll ever earn, and dump the girlfriend/wife if she tells you to forgive and forget". I'm not sure if this is the best strategy, though.