How do I stop blaming myself?

2021IsOurYearToShine · 2020-11-17T22:48:40+00:00

Hello :)

You're describing me many, many years ago.

I did a lot of therapy but found it useless for myself personally. I felt like they were trying to build on foundations that just weren't there. I needed to start completely fresh.

I started off by writing down everything I wanted. From life, from a man, from my friends, everything.

I then took my list and slowly became the person that these people would want in their life.

I wanted friends that were kind, considerate and positive? I broke that into goals. I would be kind for a whole day. Even to arseholes that cut me off while driving. I would be considerate for 2 days. Positive energy flowed through me because I was reaching my goals. I found a friend group that enjoyed activities other then binge drinking.

I wanted a man who valued me? I needed to value myself first. Throw away those crappy clothes and dress in only the best. Best didn't need to be expensive. Throw away those leggings with the holes and buy some new ones. I dressed like I was going to meet someone new every day.

Slowly, I found myself just feeling better. No thank you, I don't want to go out for a drink with you. I have plans with my friends. That was a massive step because I used to grab whoever showed attention. I found my friends really helped me because I didn't want to be the negative one in the group, so I only spoke positive words which really did result in more positive energy.

You need to build your foundation. Let go of the crap in your life because it will only attract flys.

MakeURegret · 2020-11-17T23:31:06+00:00

It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for the societal gaslighting that you experienced.

Seriously, just take an average week. Tally how often you see examples of pickme/misogynistic behavior being glorified and how often you see advice that is in line with FDS being given. The former will win in a landslide compared to FDS advice. Unless you’ve really curated your social media, and don’t consume ANY mainstream media.

How were you supposed to know what you didn’t know?

Also, have you heard of the Asch conformity experiments? The experiment shows that we’re social creatures. It shows that even if we may “know” the correct answer that we won’t necessarily choose it if there’s peer pressure not to choose it.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asch_conformity_experiments

So your whole life you’re told hvms aren’t real. Not even that - you’ve never even met one so they’re completely in your imagination. And yet you were supposed to just know that they existed and hold firm? While the whole world is telling you to settle, telling you your worth is in getting into a relationship, etc.

Yep there are strong women who are able to resist that - but it’s understandable that a lot of them can’t. That’s not an indictment of your character.

Lastly is there a hidden benefit to you believing what you do? Are you scared that if you accept you’re a hvw that will make you feel like you “wasted” your youth? If you feel that it was ‘your fault’ and ‘you should’ve known better’ helps you feel like you have control? And whereas if you keep believing you don’t deserve this, then you won’t be sad that you don’t have an hvm, because you still see getting a hvm as a long shot?

All these questions are rhetorical just something to consider that may be impeding your ability to change your beliefs.

Title	How do I stop blaming myself?
Author	alt71088
Upvotes	17
Comments	2
Date	November 17, 2020 9:58 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/jw2jsq/how_do_i_stop_blaming_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-do-i-stop-blaming-myself.1068119 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068119

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