So with the holiday I got some time off that I was initially excited for. I scheduled myself a nice date at the art studio I work at to paint a bisque as I've been wanting to do but dont have time for during the week.

It was fun and happy I got time to spoil myself. I did almost not schedule it as my old ways where picking back up. I wanted to wait for one of the men I've been speaking to pop up a date idea, but I said no. I don't wait or plan my schedule around a man I am doing this for me.

Happy I overcame that mini conflict and started training myself to kick out that bad habit.

On the down side however the day prior and after were a drag. My family being out of town I spent the holiday alone despite not personally caring for it, it did make me miss my family. They are out of state at the moment. I could have gone prior to them leaving a while back, but me being a pickmeina, stayed in hopes for a dead relationship to spark again.

Still haven't learned from that though. I live in the delusion that I'm better and improved but I was just avoiding the fact that I still kept in contact with my ex. I thought we could be friends but clearly I was still living in hope. On the bright side it was due to a argument we had last Wednesday that lead to me finally blocking him from everything last night.

I had tried to explain my frustration calmly but he refused to listen or understand my reasoning's, so I left. Thanksgiving he called me in the evening for casual talk, I was short with him, waiting for him to bring up the argument so we could resolve it but never did. I was finally fed up after 30 minutes and told him I don't want to speak to him until he is ready to speak about the issue. He was sad but understood.

It was Sunday that I realized it had been three days since hearing from him. No text message or call. I realized that I was just waiting for him at any chance to make up and reach out for me. At this point I knew this was my best chance to cut him off for good, so I did it.

Now that I'm reflecting on it I see that I allowed his lack of contact to ruin my mood. My inner pickmeina is upset but I have to overcome this and move forward. He's been the anchor that's been weighing me down mentally for years and it has to end for my own sake.

I'm thinking of changing my number now so I dont have any contact from his friends or family, not that they contact me any longer but just in case. Also some of his friends I've befriended over the years, I think I'll be dropping them too. It's sad but I feel this will tie up the loose ends of this shit show.

I haven't spoken to any friends of mine or family. I just dont feel comfortable speaking about this with anyone I know personally so I'm posting here. I'm just thinking you all will understand what I'm going through..

Overall I'm mostly disappointed in myself for believing I have improved, which in a sense I did but not nearly as much as I had thought. I'm going to make sure that this is a breakthrough though. I need this to be for myself

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Thank you for those who took the time to read I appreciate you going through my rants

Edit: just wanted to mention that I'm currently rereading the handbook again and looking over the recommended sources as well for reinforcement. I'm going to get this ingrained him my brain or so help me!