Hello FDS, I would like to get your insight on something. This might seem like a brag but I generally manage to attract women that I would personally consider to be high value, they are beautiful, smart and driven in life yet drawn to me thanks to a mixture of looks and the way I act that women often describe as cute and innocent. I once had had a female teacher tell me that I look like a good person despite me not saying a word yet.

One in particular was so beautiful I would easily deem her out of my league and yet she tried to enter in a relationship with me and despite the fact that any sane man in my stead would have jumped at the occasion I did not reciprocate her advances. You see, at that time I was too busy being brainwashed by religion and remaining celibate as the customs I was raised with required of me. As she left the bus I could see the pained expression on her face and although I felt guilty, I found comfort at the time that it is what God would have wanted from me.

A year later she approaches me again, clearly she did not forget about me, sending me songs that seemed to be addressing me and showing me a poem that seemed to insinuate her love for me. Having never dated anyone I summoned the courage to ask her for coffee to which she agreed. As soon as I saw her again my mind no longer clouded by past constrictions I realized that I loved her and we renewed our amazing chemistry as if not a day has passed since we last saw each other. Things seemed to be going great, she was making songs about us, we were occasionally chatting via messenger and her sharing music inspired by our growing affection for each other. During summer she came back from her internship and our conversations, laughter and enjoyment of each other is just as strong as ever, it culminated to the point that she wanted to have a real discussion about us. I froze for a second, and started evading the question, trying to make it so I don't have to answer that. Her face reddened and showed visible disappointment again that in this critical moment I would back out the way I did, we finished the date on good terms and each went our ways still talking on fb as friends but she opted for now to move.

Why did I act the way I did? At first I thought it's because I never dated anyone and simply don't know how to carry that conversation, but I realized that's not it soon afterwards. She is a multi-talented genius with high academic performance studying engineering and she is an easy 10/10. I have practically nothing to offer back as a loser flunky that reddits and watches youtube all day and have zero sense of responsibility, I am pretty immature and barely even an adult. I am ashamed of my mistakes and scared of how she will see me once she realizes the depths of my failures in life. I have one last chance to make things right for myself in terms of academia, to prove that I can change until I ask her for one last chance. She still hits me up on fb to ask my amateur opinion on her music or for idle chat once in a while. Her last song talks about the subect not biting and how he can still be saved so I'm fairly confident that she still loves me. I guess my question is, was I right to back off at the last second like I did? Or should I have told her the truth right away? And what do you think It would take to be forgiven.

Any insight is appreciated, thanks for reading.