First of all don't read this if you get easily triggered by the quite negative crap I'm gonna say.

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I feel like my death sentence is becoming truly impossible to beat. I'm talking about... I was raised by a single mother.

I am 21, only had sex with prostitutes, failed at opening two businesses, huge loner as a teen and now a toxic unhealthy extrovert, barely finishing a useless college, achieved absolutely nothing except for some fraud and shoplifting.
I still notice that my mind is functioning very feminine, and as a mechanism of masculine self-destruction I developed schizophrenia about a year ago (I think it is also common among those who lost virginity with prostitutes). Only thing that saved me from completely losing my mind was the weed supplied by one of the very few close friends I managed to make. Even to this point I have few friends.

To further seal my faith, I also went bald around the same time. This is especially bad for me, because if you're bald you're now expected to have a 100% masculine mind so I won't even be saved by sob stories now.

To make it even worse, I had a good solid build when I was young but at around 18 I was convinced beyond any other proof that girls want skinny dudes, so I went to the gym doing definition excercises but failed to eat properly. I screwed up my metabolism and now I am skinny-fat. I look incredibly bad, even my upper back got crooked, i have a decent cyphose.

Anything I try to do now, even if I get encouraged from the outside, I still end up self-sabotaging myself. Alongside schizophrenia I also developed some borderline and sadistic/avoidant PD so even I can't help myself right now. I am stuck into one of the worst feedback loops someone can be into. For whatever reason my mother still believes in the huge weirdo I am, but that's just because I am her only child.

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Really what can I do right now? I would very easily throw in the towel and commit suicide, as I can't find anything enjoyable anymore and even money is tight, but this will further dissapoint my mother, she kinda struggled with this difficult piece of crap I am.

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I can try to do the damage-control of getting a simple loser-y 9-to-5 job and marrying to have a kid, but even for that I will still have to fight for a while, and stitch my mind back together, which is still hard.

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Will telling sob stories to some girl, to make her depressively impressed, save me? But then again, I am very unattractive, girls prefer pretty boys to talk to and I know this. I'm not capable of such impressive social engineering just to impress someone.

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And yes I've obsessively read every single book recommended around here over the years. Not much of them I remembered, though.