I realized this weekend that I’ve been sub-consciously sabotaging my diet/workout because getting in shape hasn’t helped my game.

The preamble: 6’0” easy gainer (which sucks because it also means I gain fat easily). April 2013 - 230 lbs ~23-24% body fat. This summer I started riding everywhere and stopped eating garbage. In October I bit the bullet and got a trainer. By November I was down to 210lbs and 18% bf. Tightened my belt a couple of notches and went from a 40” waist to 35”. I was feeling better about myself, but my luck with women wasn’t changing. In fact it was getting worse. The only noticeable change was that I was actually making an effort to meet women now, instead of assuming I was too fat to be attractive. The results were the same, though.

This was my biggest fear writ large. In my brain, the ‘thing’ that had always been holding me back was I wasn’t as fit as I wanted to be; if I could only get in shape, women would be more attracted to me. In the back of my mind, though, was always the little voice of self-doubt. “What if it doesn’t work? What then?” I was striking out when overweight, and I was still striking out after losing weight. Sub-consciously, I think, I gave up: losing weight didn’t help, so what was the point? I started eating more garbage and while I’ve been able to maintain ~210lbs, I haven’t lost any more weight in around 5 weeks.

This weekend, after another round of striking out and cutting my losses, it dawned on me what I was doing. Despite my early successes, I was letting my fears of failure dictate my actions. I know that if I lose another 10-15 lbs, women will be more interested in me because I will be more confident with myself! And even if they don’t find me any more attractive, fuck them! I’ll have lost 30-40lbs before I’m done, and I plan on keeping it off. That in itself will be something to be proud of. So, fellow men, my pledge, here and now is to refocus on what truly matters to me: me.

If the women I meet won’t notice it, then I don’t need them. I’ll know. And that will have to be enough.