(Fair warning, this is kind of a long read)

It’s like I have no idea who I am. Like I’m trapped inside of myself – I’ve somehow become disconnected from myself, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel like I can’t turn to anyone, like I can’t take comfort in anyone, or anything. I feel like the loneliest person in the world – not even in any kind of sexual context, but just in general. I can’t remember the last time I felt like anyone actually understood me as a person, or that I could open up safely to others without be ridiculed or rejected for it.

I feel like I’m constantly trying to overcome my own nature as a failure, and that I’m constantly failing to meet my own standards or potential. This is despite the fact that I know objectively speaking, I’m doing much better than most of peers. I’ve nearly finished my AA in a STEM field at a community college, and I already have one offer for a full ride scholarship to an out-of-state university. I’ve earned excellent grades, and built a strong portfolio of leadership and teamwork experiences in a variety extra-curricular activities, all while working.

No matter how much I’m able to objectively improve myself, I still feel a deep seated self-loathing that I can’t get rid of. I feel helpless. I’m terrified of failure, and the more I seem to succeed, the greater that fear becomes, and the more I notice myself withdrawing from people in general. It feels like I’m killing myself with my own successful pursuits.

I rationally understand that my feelings, and this train of thought, are toxic. I understand it, but I haven’t been able to internalize and actually start feeling better about myself. I know that things won’t get better unless I fix them myself. I’m trying, but I keep slipping up, and regressing into bad habits that distract me from these toxic feelings.

Only recently have I begun to realize that I most likely have some pretty real psychological damage from my childhood. My father was rarely present, due to the fact that he never went to college, and had to work multiple jobs to support our family. My mother died when I was teenager. During my childhood I was sexually abused (I think this, along with an absent father and no genuine male friends, has conditioned me to fear male bonding, and older male figures in particular), and attempted suicide twice. During my adolescence, I feel into a deep depression and lost all of my “friends.” I dropped out of school, began abusing alcohol, and selling drugs.

It’s only in the last few years that I’ve started trying to make positive changes in my life, and trying to break the cycles of failure and poverty that seem to run in my family. It was my last relationship (which ended about a year and a half ago) that drove me to discovering PUA, and then eventually, TRP. She was the second “formal” relationship I’d ever had. I had recently broken up with a clingy 5/10 that I dated for a year, and I radiated confidence from being doted upon for so long, and being the one who walked away from the relationship with the power. The girl who actually broke me, was an outgoing 8/10. She had a quick wit and a sharp tongue, which reminded me of my mother’s personality. Deep down, I felt like she was out of my league, and I was surprised that she seemed so attracted to me when we started dating. She was infatuated with my intelligence, my independent nature, and my ‘air of mystery.’ (Whatever that even means) As the relationship developed, she slowly wore me down. I was denied sex on the grounds that she was religious (and being more BP than I’d like to admit, I begrudgingly accepted it). I foolishly began supplicating to her wishes, and then I was still lacking the sex I wanted and only made her less attracted to me. I then made the foolish mistake of asking women for advice, and following that advice, I assured her that my feelings to her were true, that I was committed to her, and that I saw her as a serious potential long-term relationship. I want to vomit just typing it.

And of course, after about a week or two of distancing herself, I get the “I don’t really know what I want right now,” text. I handled it in a pretty beta way – demanding that we speak face-to-face and talk about. We did. She still left. All in all, we dated for about 6 months.

For the longest time, I felt as if I let my one ‘unicorn’ get away.

Later, I discovered it was shortly after we broke up that she began clubbing with a new group of girlfriends, and sleeping around, and partying – All of the things that she criticized me for doing in the past (sex, drugs, heavy drinking, etc).

So much for the good little catholic unicorn. AWALT. No exceptions.

I was torn up about it for a long time, even after finding TRP. Now I consider it blessing to have been freed from my own delusions about women, and know that if she was such a two-faced hypocrite, at least I don’t ever have to deal with her in my life again.

At this point, I would say that I've consciously swallowed the Red Pill. I can look at the world around me, and examples of TRP models of interaction everywhere. But in terms of my actual state, beyond the rational surface thoughts of overt logic, I can’t eradicate my own sense of self-loathing. The toxic shame mentioned in No More Mr. Nice Guy, that self-sabotaging sense that deep down, I’ll always be a failure. That the higher I climb in my life, the greater my eventual fall is going to be.

I don’t even know what I’m asking for help with, specifically. I guess I partly just needed to get this all out of my system, and I don’t really have anybody I can turn to.

If you made it past the wall of paragraphs, thanks for caring. Any insight you can share is welcomed.

My reason for being here isn't about women, like it seems to be for most people. For me, I seem to feel as if I've reached a plateau in life. I'm going in the direction that I want to be going with my education and career, but actual happiness has always been out of my reach. Something is missing, and deep down, it's making me feel empty and powerless. I don't think I'll achieve my full potential unless I can precisely identify what's missing, and make myself feel whole for the first time.

I don't know what to look for, because I can't remember a time where I was I ever truly happy with my life.