Context: Ended a partially salvageable situation with a oneitis who pulled the friend zone card after I failed escalations, cared too much, and broke frame. I denied the FZ but allowed a little too much feels to slip after she wished me well/good luck. Shit like "I enjoyed you too." and when she apologized for being bitchy I acknowledged it and said "I didn't care then." She apologized again, I accepted, she went to sleep and wished me a nice night. I said thanks, didn't reciprocate.

Edit: also got this gem during the close, "you are everything I want on paper so I don't know what's wrong with me." Kept stroking my ego calling me "cool as hell, handsome, blah blah blah".

Haven't spoke since. I feel more shitty about the close than lack of contact. I was also swiping thru tinder recently and I saw her on there, so my thought is she's well and truly moved on. I still find myself in a shitty state most days like a recovering drug addict.

I've been in a depressed state overall the past three weeks, after trying acid. I damaged a lot of my relationships as a result, that one among them. It's also fucked up my motivation, I haven't even wanted to lift, and when I do, I get physical satisfaction only, no mental.

So I don't trust my gut on a lot of decisions right now. it probably sounds pathetic but part of me wants to say to her as closure "I'm gonna miss you" as I let go. I was trying to groom her for an LTR and I kind of viewed her last minute disqualification and apologies as a comfort test, I instead treated it with disregard. So I dont know if I sank my own ship. I shouldn't care though, I know. I already got a new girls number off tinder so I'm gonna keep moving forward.