(New to this) I’m 21 and am currently studying in college. I struggle with dating in that I have never had a meaningful relationship with a girl. Every time I have had a girlfriend it was she initiated the relationship and I said yes because I was afraid to say no and hurt her feelings but also because I wanted a consistent outlet for sex.

Literally every time I feel like I’m infatuated with someone like they’re someone I could fall in love with, I drop all of my other plates(as I feel plate spinning isn’t very honest to the “sub”plates as well as the plate I’m most interested in” To follow this, it only takes about 2 dates for them to ghost or reject me. I assume part of this comes from them picking up on my massive interest in them. I have tried really hard to mask this but I still haven’t gotten it to work. The outcome of this process usually leaves me really depressed and or suicidal, as well as giving me a huge disdain for women in general.

I hate treating women like crap and rejecting and playing mind games with them, but it’s the only way I have been able to secure an exclusive relationship with them so far...

What I am asking is for advice on how to proceed past the first few dates with someone whom which I’m infatuated with. I’m open to all ideas at this point whether they may involve honest or “not so honest” solutions.