This is going to be a long AF post, if you are a lazy bitch who doesn't want to spend 3 minutes reading it go ahead and gtfo. I have read sidebar multiple times.

Lost Father at age 6. Raised by Mother and eventually mentally abusive Stepfather. Three sisters, two younger and one older. Essentially was raised in a feminine household, where I was insulted on a daily basis by stepfather and consistently yelled at to “Respect Women”. Highschool, I excelled with grades and started on a varsity sport freshman year till senior, I did get shit on by high school alphas a lot though, both girls and guys, but fucked a lot of the girls who did shit test me 24/7. Fast forward, graduate High school and skip college to start my own web design company and System Admin Consulting company. Spend 4 years making 75k-100k a year but was stagnate in my life, primarily from living in a very rural mountain town in Georgia. Social life during this period was a group of the same 10 friends and 3 plates.

Mom commits suicide and I find her in her closest after shooting herself in the head. Stepdad bails after this and moves in with new women 4 months after and takes little sisters with him. Week that my mom died I had actually started a 2.5-year LTR with an incredible girl, whose dad became my mentor and got me to reenroll in a local college. Her dad is a billionaire and so during our relationship I got exposed to a rare lifestyle and a group of exceptional individuals. While I understand AWALT, I will say the women I met and interacted with during this period of my life acted unlike any women I have met since then. I became somewhat jaded about people during this period of my life. I was always surrounded by motivated and inspiring people whom always wanted to help others and rarely acted out. While I went to college and had this LTR, I was working full time and having to spend incredible amounts of energy and money to help support my younger sisters due to my stepdad neglecting them. I ended up failing a class because I had to leave the final to pick up my younger sister because she feared for her safety due to stepdad.

I end up taking a summer internship in Chicago, meet a group of guys, drop out of school, move to Chicago to start a business with them. Business is a success within 4 months of moving there. I make 250k and live in a Highrise with these guys. We party, hang out with HB8/9s and buy tables at clubs. I fucked this part of my life up SOOOO HARD. Due to my lack of knowledge and perspective, I let a HB8 seduce me into a LTR that proceeds to blow the ever living shit out my frame over the next year and a half. During this LTR I get approached all the time by HB9/10s due to LTR’s popularity. It was easy to talk to them and pseudo game them, but due to LTR I never fully engaged them. Example had two HB9s tell me they wanted me to fuck them, but I declined because of LTR.

Flash Forward to 2.5 years of living in Chicago. I blocked xGF and have fully removed her from my life. I have a new business that is about to be sold for seven figures, live in the nicest place I have ever owned, in the best shape of my life (190lbs, 7.5%bf 6ft) and have a solid set of hobbies to increase my SMV. I do not have “plates” per say but I have no problem hooking up/fucking a girl every week. By all accounts I am killing it, my friends think I am the fucking bomb and respect the hell out of me. The girls in our group adore me and when I want, I fuck them. However, on the inside I feel like the loneliest weakest bitch ever. I wake up somedays and crush it like god damn Zeus. Other days I wake up feeling lonely AF, feeling like a bitch and lose all control over my frame.

So bros, what can I do to repair these cracks in my frame to take myself to the next level. I have read all the sidebar posts and read a shit load of books over the past year about redpill/becoming a man yet haven’t been able to overcome this “wall” in my mental frame. It is like my mind is years behind the reality of my life.