ADHD, Mild Aspergers

Social Anxiety Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder/Dysthymia

Highly Sensitive Person, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Maladaptive Daydreaming

Low Self Esteem, Poor Self Concept

all of these help produce an introverted and highly fragile individual. i'm socially slow and sensitive. an easy target and struggle with the most basic social issues.

 

comprehending some of the TRP material isn't difficult but attempting to put it into practice would be greatly difficult. i am so behind and underdeveloped that i become very easily overwhelmed by the social strategies and techniques shared. though some individuals put effort into learning them and catch on quickly. i feel like i'm stuck being slower.

 

i'm also relatively spineless and people tend to catch onto this and in their own ways would unsurprisingly pick on me. the only defense mechanisms i posses are explosive outbursts that render everyone in the vicinity into shock. including various other overt and socially unintelligible and immature techniques as shit test "destroyers". what this achieves at times is painting me as the aggressor.

 

i recognize some attractive girls (the only ones that count) giving me flirty eyes but i tend to have repelling behaviors and contact avoidance as self preservation due to paranoia of them being manipulative towards me (as that would come naturally against someone of my demeanor and disposition) and basically getting to know me and getting under my skin. especially considering i've had a negative past experience (inconsequential to alphas, even pathetic in comparison to less sensitive types) in middle school that for some reason i haven't recovered from. as that is still in my psyche with a strong mix of learned helplessness from various other aspects of my earlier life. it is nigh impossible to practice out of and shed this huge insecurity.

 

if neurotypicals have these struggles and betas, for me it would be significantly intensified. so it is wiser as i lack any practical knowledge and conditioned street smarts in order to articulately/verbally defend myself and maintain a more respectable impression.

 

besides the social and even more risky intimate/relationship problems and inaction. i struggle in my passions involving art and still having deep rooted pain from a decade old mental break down without having come to resolve it. i am pretty much not going anywhere in life. no real intellectual, emotional, experential, social or executive improvement. inertia ad infinitum. initiative, proactivity, productivity quickly extinguished if attempted and rarely successful.

 

it's really frustrating just reading people having not such severe problems and getting more straight to the specifics. rather i would have to jump though many hoops before even realistically considering immersing myself into things like TRP for general improvement overall. i was quite a believer/blue piller before, have improved over time. but still have an impossibly long way to go. jeez, the weight and pressure of it makes me sick.

 

even though it feels like forever to start getting medication and appropriate treatment. which i eventually will hopefully receive, almost starting to feel like an illusion.

 

partly a rant but i was wondering what TRPs take on this would be. thanks for reading.