I never would have thought anything was ‘wrong’ with me until I watched some YouTube videos today of a guy going into detail about his ADHD and it seems similar to what I have felt in my entire life without actually realising it.

Through school and even right now I have always had a very ‘switched on’ internal dialogue that speaks over real life. I’ll be wayyyyy in-depth thinking about shit and planning and analysing and then realise that I was not following along the book I was reading or to the teacher etc.

I have always felt I have amazing effort. I really do try so damn hard to improve myself every single day. Quite frankly I’m muscular to the point that normal people think I’m jacked and some people say steroids but guys who lift know obviously I’m not juicing but that I’ve put in some solid consistent work. Other than the gym honestly my work rate really disappoints me. I usually only get the lifting session done in the day and then the rest of the day almost disappears. I do get some other small productive things in but struggle seriously with doing hard work. I feel like over the years I have achieved a very good amount of things, degree, profitable side hustle, excellent exercise mentality, further knowledge. But day to day other than lifting I feel like I literally have like 30mins to 2 hours max of hard work which spreads over the day of me actively trying to work. Obviously not a efficient time use.

For example for my daily task checklist today (and always pretty much) I have checked off exercise, mediation, journaling and editing a video. I had 4 other tasks and had the time to do them. I literally sat in front of my laptop for what felt like at least an hour actively trying to work on the things I wanted but I always get this feeling like my brain is fried and that I will only feel comfortable if I lie down and scroll through Reddit.

I have already drastically reduced my social media intake and barely ever scroll through anything other than Reddit now (no more insta etc)

What’s strange is that if I’m at a job I have always been told I am such a hard worker and excelled in any position I have been in. Customer service within 1 week I was more efficient and taking more calls than people who had been there for years because I made my own system. The calls would come in and I would speak to the customers and do the job all whilst deeply thinking about something else.

It’s like my thoughts are in front of everything and real life is behind it. I have been consistently mediating for around a year now too.