For the last 2 years or so I have been living a very red pill oriented lifestyle and It's apparent to anyone looking from the outside in.

I'm often told that people are drawn to me because of the way I carry myself, I'm in excellent shape, and I will be applying to medical school in the coming months. For a 21 year old, I feel like I'm doing alright for myself.

I just have one problem. There is this nagging feeling of emptiness that has gotten worse since I broke up with my ex 2 years ago and I started living a more alpha-oriented lifestyle.

To others my life is full of fun, relative success, and happiness, but inside there is literally nothing. I feel nothing and it became very apparent last night.

I had a woman I've know for awhile come over to "hangout". At first she was opposed to the idea because last time I saw her, we had sex, and then I straight up told her to leave immediately after. It was cold, but whatever.

I had her convinced I was just dealing with some difficult stuff at the time and it wouldn't be like that so finally she agreed to stop by. She came over and started touching my hand so I decided to initiate some intimacy.

I was honestly just trying to repair the friendship we had prior because she is relatively interesting. I have no interest in an LTR with her and really don't even care for sleeping with her that much, but it seemed like that's what she came for so I went for it because who doesn't like getting laid when it seems that easy.

She was playfully rejecting my advances like she always does because that's just her game. I went along with it and kept doing what I do and then all the sudden she got serious so I backed off. No big deal. I sat up and started eating my popcorn and went back to watching my movie.

That's when she started telling me how big of a piece of shit I am for what I've done, demanding to know if I care about anyone and if I take anything seriously.

She was saying some seriously shitty stuff and for the most part, it was all true. It was so strange because I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't care at all that I had hurt this girl as bad as she claimed. She honestly seemed wrecked and I felt absolutely nothing. Completely cold.

This experience isn't unique either...when I have a little too much to drink I start to confess to my close friends that I feel completely empty.

I don't understand. What is happening to me?