Some back story on my situation, last fall I started my freshman year in college. I play D1 baseball and I have dreams of playing in the MLB. My focus on baseball and academics at my all boys high school, combined with strict parents led to me having no sexual experience outside of dates here and there, kissing and a few blowjobs. I am a virgin.

As I was told, being on the baseball team allowed me to score some easy hook-ups. However I guess due to anxiety and inexperience I was unable to perform. Every hook up since the first 2 lead to me only thinking of “will I maintain my erection?” Which obviously caused the opposite. I know I have to relax and focus on being in the moment but it’s just that I have a list of negative feedback from all the failed encounters with girls I tried to hookup with.

I then tried nofap and horny goat weed and I was told my situation would not get better if I’m seeing a new girl ever time. With that in mind I settled down with one girl. We’ve been together for 2 months but we haven’t had any sex yet. Although we both want to, I would never get Completely naked unless I was certain I could maintain my erection long enough for sex.

I used to make up excuses with her saying I’m just tired from practice or that I’ve drank too much or that I didn’t have any comdoms with me, all very weak excuses and I couldn’t keep making shit up forever. (I would always satisfy her though.) I eventually told her what’s up and she was understanding. Coming down to the last few weeks she has even given me handjobs and a blowjob despite previously never attempting to even touch my dick before.

I now have two questions. We are now on summer break and I won’t see her until the end of August. I know it is ethically wrong to cheat on her but it’s really frustrating that we are apart now when I just started to clear up my anxiety and got comfortable enough to have erections. I want to have sex with someone but am I making too much of a big deal about losing my virginity?

Second question is that my shame in myself and my failed sexual performances has lead to me becoming a beta around her. How can I get back my position of dominance after all of this? Despite me being athletic and decently attractive, I feel like I owe her something for staying with me and being understanding about my situation but I’m hindsight I know I’ve given her too much control in the relationship. How do I get back my ground, is it too late?