Hello asktrp,

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I have posted here a couple times in search of wisdom and I have come across something really disturbing me that I would like advice on.

Some context:

I just recently went to my first rave with a friend of mine and three friends of his from his fraternity. The frat my friend is in from the surface seems really popular.

From the moment I walked into the house for the first time, I felt the same old feelings of inferiority come back that the people in here were better than me, feelings I felt in high school about the popular males. I felt like I did not belong, even though I had every right to be there that they did (by invitation). I know fraternities are by nature exclusive, but I am sure this had nothing to do with it. Everything is more or less smooth as he shows me around.

All five of us ended up walking to the rave, and I felt so stuck in my head. These kids obviously knew each other, which is fine, but the way they interact was so fluid and "cool", they just give 0 fucks. I obsess over being like them genuinely for the way they carry themselves, and so many kids from high school acted the same way. It's the way they talk, dress, their humor. I can never keep up, and I can't feel like myself around them. It's such an intensely hard feeling to describe, but the best would be "unease". I feel as if they fit a certain "type" of person, and I fit a different "type". I also felt weird as fuck because I had never been to a rave, never done molly, never met these kids, never went to this college, so I was a fish out of water. This is fine, but I just couldn't get out of my head and think of ways to valuably interject into their conversations. Everything I had to say felt too serious. The rave was fucking incredible, and we rolled molly together and I genuinely felt good while dancing and when the music was playing.

I had smoked a bit of weed during the concert, which was a huge fucking mistake because weed makes me extremely paranoid and anxious. After the music ended, we had to walk back the same way (all rolling on molly still) and it was just miserable. I felt so bad inside my head not being able to talk to these kids, while on a cocktail of weed and molly. Even without the drugs, these were just my feelings before I took the drugs, amplified. As we got back to the house I was just frozen, and I think they may have left me and my friend because of how they weren't vibing with me, and I just felt really bad. The thought of them talking about me and how quiet I am, and wanting to get away from me really fucking bothers me. These feelings of inferiority are ruining my life, and I don't know how to deal with them. It's the origin of my insecurities.

End context

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If anything I just wanted to get this off my chest, I couldn't even talk to my friend about it. I just wish I could talk to these dudes and just have a good fucking time without having to worry about this shit, but I don't know if these feelings will ever go away. They weren't bad people, or anything like that. It's all because of me, and my disposition.

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How am I supposed to love myself when I can't connect with people of this "type" I've never met before? How am I supposed to feel like an equal to them? At this point I feel like I am built this way, more introspective and can't "hang" with kids in the frat, or just cooler people in general. Like I don't need to be there best fucking friends or anything, but I want them to like me so much to the point I don't say anything because I don't want them to "out me".

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Thanks for reading if you did, I'm not sure how to sum this up into a TLDR.